Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold…

Last weekend I was supposed to go away.

To reconnect with friends and their daughter, who is the same age as E.

To meet and have lunch with one of my very best blogging friends.

I was going to do something, just for me.

I got the flu instead.

Thursday afternoon I started running a high fever.

I didn’t stop running a fever until Monday.

I wasn’t able to stand up for more than five minutes at a time.

Walking to the bathroom exhausted me.

E. was sick too, but he didn’t get hit as badly. He ended up with a croup cough for a few days and missed Monday at nursery school, but he never ran a fever, never seemed to be dealing with the exhaustion I was fighting. He was happy enough to watch his very first movie (The Little Engine that Could) every.single.day.

It’s more than a week later and I’m STILL sick. No more fever or sore throat, thankfully. No more laryngitis. But now it’s in my sinuses and I have a terrible pounding headache that medication only barely eases.

And now I’m scared.

I have SO much I have to do in the next month.

I’m giving a full draft of my dissertation to my supervisor in two weeks. I have to meet this deadline because if I don’t, he won’t read it in time to give it back to me to allow me to make changes and send it to my committee before we go to Australia for a month. Basically if I miss this deadline I set myself back by at least six weeks.

I have to mark the final assignment for my class. Apparently the grades are due today because I didn’t set an exam. I didn’t know this until today. I’m not going to be submitting my grades on time.

I have two conference papers, both of which I’m supposed to write in advance and send to the session chairs. (I have no time at all in which to do this.)

I’m meant to write a language exam- the last one I have left to do, but I haven’t made the time to prepare properly for it because I’ve been so busy freaking out about the dissertation. But I can’t defend the dissertation if I haven’t passed this exam, so at some point it’s going to have to move up the priority level.

When I’m able to work, I’m properly focused. I’ve cut myself off from Fakebook and my blog reader. When I have time, I use it well. But I am looking at my workdays and there just aren’t enough of them.

I knew this time was going to be difficult. But I assumed I’d be working at night, getting up early, burning the candle at both ends to get it done.

I am good at getting things done.

I wasn’t expecting to be so tired and wooly headed I pass out at night by 8 p.m.

I was supposed to start the Couch to 5k program again. I managed exactly one run- the day before the fever started.

I don’t have time to be sick.

I don’t have time to get better.

I don’t really have time to be writing this, but I needed to get it out before I ended up sitting in my living room crying.