Microblog Mondays: Deep Clean

Two weeks ago I hired people to come in and deep clean my house.

It was an act of desperation: we’d just been away and we were about to have visitors who were on their first (and likely last) trip to Canada. I wanted to leave them with a good impression of our life here, as I’m a bit sensitive to the fact that most of Q’s family think we’re nuts for living where we do.

I wanted a super clean house but didn’t have time to scrub baseboards, so I threw (a not insubstantial amount of) money at the problem until it went away.

They came in, and they cleaned, and afterwards, I felt…disappointed.

The house was cleaner, definitely, but I didn’t walk in the door and be amazed by the change.

I suppose that’s a good thing, as it means that Q. and I generally clean our house pretty thoroughly. The only two places where we did notice a huge difference were the windows and the kitchen (not coincidentally, those were the two areas that prompted the deep clean in the first place as they were driving me crazy but I just didn’t have time to get to them).

Basically if I can find time once a month to really scrub down the kitchen and we clean our windows even a couple of times a year, I can see no reason to ever hire someone else to clean our house again.

I’m not sure I’m pleased I’ve made that realization.

Do you have a house cleaner, or do you sometimes get someone in for a deep clean? If you clean your house yourself, how do you fit in the extra chores above and beyond the usual laundry, vacuuming, bathrooms?

This post is part of #MicroblogMondays. To read the inaugural post and find out how you can participate, click here.

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Filed under Daily Life, Microblog Mondays, Money Matters

Microblog Mondays: Firsts and Lasts

My first baby had his first sleepover this weekend.

He was excited and nervous and worried about saying goodbye to me, which basically sums up E.’s reaction to most new things.

Q. and I weren’t sure if we were going to have to go and get him, but he had a fantastic time.

My last baby is in her last week of being a baby.

Every time E. does something new I’m reminded, again, that we will get a second chance to experience those firsts.

And every time P. does something new, I am reminded, again, that her firsts are also my lasts, for she is, truly, our last baby (despite E.’s insistence that we should have a third child because he’s “not done being a brother”).

She is the baby we never thought we were going to have, so every one of her firsts brings with it this complicated mix of emotions.

Gratitude. Grief. Nostalgia. Anticipation.

I am excited, so excited to see the little person she is in the process of becoming.

But it is bittersweet.

This post is part of #MicroblogMondays. To read the inaugural post and find out how you can participate, click here.

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Filed under Blink and you'll miss it, E.- the seventh year, Microblog Mondays, P.- the first year

The eleventh month

A bit late but I’m under pressure to make sure I get it done before P. actually turns one!

Dearest P.,

This is so bittersweet. I have loved watching you learn and grow this past year, but now that your first birthday is just around the corner, it’s hard to accept that my last baby is almost no longer a baby at all. I’m not sad for you, because I know you’re so much happier now that you can do so many more things, and you’re becoming such an active member of the family. I just know that this really is the very last time I will get to watch a child of mine grow from a tiny, helpless infant, to a real little person. This year seems to have gone by so quickly.

This was a big month (again) for you! At the start of the month you were confidently pulling yourself up on everything, but you weren’t yet ready to move your feet. That soon changed and by mid-month you were starting to cruise around the furniture. As you became more confident standing you started to experiment with going up on your tiptoes and stretching out your arms to increase your reach, so another round of baby proofing (particularly with the magnets on the fridge) was required. You’re still not interested in taking any steps- you’re much too fast when crawling- but you have started to stand without holding on to anything for five or six seconds at a time. You love to crawl underneath the chairs to find one of your balls when it’s escaped and you’ll very carefully crawl underneath the coffee table to get to the other side if you can’t quite reach what’s on top of it. One day you pushed one of your brother’s little chairs all the way across the kitchen and I realized it was time to get out the yellow and green ride on car that your brother used. Over the course of the month you went from needing to be put on it and pushed around, to crawling along on your knees pushing it, to being able to get on it yourself, to being able to push yourself around slowly if you sat on it backwards. You can also walk along behind it holding on to the bar but at this point you prefer to ride.

This was also a month for climbing. Emptying the dishwasher has become even more of a challenge as you’ll climb up onto the lowered door and then sit up there, triumphant and deeply pleased with yourself, and “help” me by unpacking the cutlery basket. You always manage to find the sharp knives first- I don’t know how you do it. Most mornings now I take out the cutlery basket as soon as I open the door and put it on top of the counter. You’re not at all pleased, but it is much safer.

The other major safety change this month was we now have to shut the gate at the bottom of the stairs. We discovered this had become necessary one day early in the month when I went upstairs to put a few things away, heard a noise on the stairs, looked down and discovered that you were five or six stairs up already! I went down the stairs very slowly and carefully and scooped you up as soon as I could, but you sure gave me a fright! By about midway through the month, after several (supervised) attempts, you were able to climb up all fourteen stairs to get to the very top. The first time you did it your brother was sitting at the top cheering you on with every step and he still gets a big kick out of watching you rush to catch up to him.

You can also now climb onto the couch if one of the cushions is pulled off onto the floor. You love being up there and looking out the window, but your favourite couch activity is when E pulls off all the cushions and puts them on the floor to make an obstacle course. He’s busy jumping, crawling, and wriggling, and you’re right in there participating, rolling around and giggling. You may not have any idea about the order of the obstacle course (which frustrates your brother to no end), but you know that you’re playing with him and that makes you so happy.

As I’ve said to your Daddy more than once this month, we’re officially in the “living with Yoda” stage. Your favourite thing to do is to unpack, pull down, or tip over anything you can possibly reach, all day long. Folded laundry in a basket elicits shrieks of excitement as you barrel towards it, and bags of groceries are equally enticing. You also love to pull all the cloths and tea towels down from the door of the oven. You sometimes then put them on top of your head, just like your brother used to do, but you’re not as into “blind crawling” as he was.

Your wave is now open handed and is no longer identical to your “milk” sign, which is a good thing as you’re still trying to use your “milk” sign to mean anything from “I’d like to nurse” to “Can I have my water” to “I need help opening this lid” to “Can’t you see I need something right this instant, Mummy? Figure it out!” (which is when you frantically sign “milk” with both hands while squawking in frustration). You will put your hands on your head if asked where your hair is (although you still don’t have very much) and you can give high fives. You love to blow air out of your mouth (not raspberries, although you love doing those too), but we haven’t had any luck getting you to blow bubbles yet. You hate diaper changes and having your face washed, but with the exception of those two activities you’re almost always very cheerful. You also like to assert your own autonomy by staring us right in the eye while dropping food over the side of the high chair if you’ve decided it doesn’t look nice.

You love to put things into other things and then take them out again, so your favourite toys are your brainless elephant, your shape sorter (you can get some of the easier shapes in if we line up the sorter for you), and the seat of the ride-on car, which lifts up to make a handy storage compartment for various treasures. You can find “Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb” and “Baby Beluga” on your bookshelf and will hold them up in the air if you want them to be read (although most of the time you still close the book after a few pages). You still want to do absolutely everything your brother does. If I bring him home new books from the library you’ll sit next to him and “read” them too (they’re usually upside down).

This month we started a baby music class. You were a little apprehensive the first time we went but now you absolutely love it. You sit and bounce up and down in time with the music, chew on all the props, and watch what the other babies are doing. You’re still enjoying your one day a week with your babysitter, although you crawl frantically towards me signing “milk” as soon as I walk in the door since you do still love late afternoon cuddles and nursing. There was one day where I stayed in the house longer than usual and you were obviously confused and upset by the change- you like your babysitter, but you didn’t want to be with her if I was around.

We were so close to getting you through your entire first year without you getting sick, which I thought was incredible considering your older brother must have been bringing all sorts of new germs home from school, but our luck ran out this month as you came down with your first cold. You had a very runny nose and a weepy eye for a few days. You still managed to sleep fairly well but it was obvious you weren’t your usual cheerful self. You very nicely shared your cold with me so we had a few days where once we dropped your brother off at school we did very little else.

At the start of the month you went on a  real streak of getting up for the day somewhere between 5:20 and 5:40 a.m. Although this meant you were only waking up once to feed in the night, after nine or ten days of this your Daddy and I were utterly exhausted. We decided to try pushing back your bedtime to 7 p.m. This almost immediately solved the issue of you getting up too early but it meant that you started getting up twice a night to nurse again, which we felt was unnecessary at this point. So at the end of the month we started sending Daddy in to give you a cuddle and put you back to sleep when you first woke up in the night if it was before 3 a.m. We had some success but it’s too early to tell whether it’s going to be a permanent change. One of the reasons we were so desperate to fix the early wakings is that if you wake up too early there’s absolutely no chance that I can give you a cuddle and nurse you back to sleep in our bed. If you come into our room you get ridiculously excited- your Daddy says it’s like being in bed with a kraken. Even in your sleepsack you’re able to thrash around and climb all over us. If it’s the weekend and your brother comes in too it’s like being in a whirlpool. We’re definitely not going to be one of those families where everyone has a big family cuddle in bed on the weekends- you two just get too excited.

You’re still taking two naps a day, but we’re now at the stage where I have to wake you up from your first nap by 11 a.m. to make sure that you’ll be tired enough to fall back asleep before we have to go get your brother from school. Now that the weather is (slowly) improving it would be wonderful if you would nap in the stroller as then we could go for a long walk in the afternoon while you napped, but, just like when you come into our bed in the early morning, you’re too excited in the stroller to sleep. You want to see everything! At home, when it’s time to put on your sleepsack, you like to stand up in the crib and have me put the sleepsack behind you. You then lean backwards into the sack and fall (supported) onto the mattress with a huge smile.

You’re very, very busy. Unless you’re sleeping or sitting in your high chair, you’re almost always crawling, standing, cruising, climbing, and playing. The time we have together while your brother is at school flies by.  I’m so glad we’re still going to have the summer together before I go back to work as I can’t wait to see what fun we’re going to have once you’re walking. Your cheeky grin makes me smile every morning when I come in to get you out of your crib. You are such a happy little soul. I love you ever so much, my darling girl.

Love,
Mummy

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Filed under Letters to P., P.- the first year

Not My Story

If you’ve been reading me for a long time, you’ve probably noticed that I post a lot less about E. these days.

Partly this is because of lack of time. I post less about everything these days and my Google Doc file of “potential blog posts” keeps getting longer and longer.

Mostly it’s because I’ve decided that E.’s life is not mine to share.

When he was a baby, his life and my life were intertwined. Writing about learning how to be a mother meant writing about what he was doing.

He’s six now.

He’s a big little kid (or a little big kid depending on how you look at it).

He has his own thoughts, wishes, dreams, plans, questions, and opinions (this child is NEVER short of opinions).

Writing about him without his permission feels like a violation of his privacy, but he’s too young to be able to give me permission to tell a story- he wouldn’t truly understand what giving me permission means and what the ramifications are of something being published online (he’s desperate to be able to put “how-to” videos on YouTube when he makes, say, a conveyor belt out of toilet paper rolls and old linens, and can’t understand why I keep saying no).

The problem is, I desperately need someone to talk to about him, and (as I said recently) I don’t have the right kind of friend nearby.

E. is not easy to parent.

I know all kids have their challenges, but I also honestly believe that some kids are harder work than others.

Nothing drove this home more than chatting with one mum after school one day when she told me that the teacher had called her about her daughter. “That’s the first phone call I’ve had from the school about any one of my kids,” she said (she has three- the eldest is in grade four). “I guess one of them had to be the rebel.”

At the time, I was right in the middle of a months-long stretch where I touched base with E.’s teacher (bless her) every single day after school. We talked with E. about what went well, what hadn’t gone well, and what we could do to make things better the next day.

I went home after that conversation and cried.

I feel like most of this past school year has been spent trying to figure out what is going on in E’s head.

I’ve been to eight appointments (not counting follow up discussions with his regular doctor) with three different specialists.

His teacher and I have filled out questionnaire after questionnaire.

I have spent hours Googling, even when I know I should NOT be Googling.

The end result is that the developmental paediatrician thinks that E. probably does have something going on. It’s mild enough that for now we’ve avoided a formal diagnosis (because E. has made huge strides in the areas where we were concerned over this past school year), but we’ll revisit this in a year’s time as the demands of Grade One are going to be much heavier.

I don’t like labels.

I especially don’t like the label that the developmental paediatrician thinks probably applies to E. because it brings with it a lot of assumptions for a lot of people, assumptions which, for the most part, are not applicable to my son.

At the same time, if E. does need more support to be able to thrive in the school environment, and a label is required for him to become eligible for said support, then I will do whatever is necessary to make sure my child gets what he needs.

It’s hard though.

I’ve cried a lot in the last couple of weeks.

It is hard to think that my beautiful boy’s brain is likely to make it harder for him to cope with school (and with life) than it will be for his peers.

It is hard to realize that I have many, many more meetings with teachers ahead of me, that the school may not be able to look past the other stuff to see what he is capable of (and he is so incredibly bright, so capable, so curious).

It is hard to think of myself as a special needs mum, even as I recognize that I am his first and best advocate.

It is hard not to be scared of what the future will bring, especially if you start Googling.

It is hard to know that P. will be at a much higher risk for the same thing and to also know that it will likely be years before we will be able to tell whether her brain is wired like her brother’s or not.

It is hard not to think that this is somehow my fault, that I have done something wrong somewhere along the line to cause this (even as I read over and over again that it is not my fault).

It is hard not to feel guilty that he was five before we put in the paperwork to start asking questions, that we didn’t investigate earlier, that I kept telling my gut to be quiet when it whispered that something was going on, that I thought he would grow out of it or that he just needed more time to adjust.

In my heart, I know that E. is going to be fine in the long run.

Scratch that.

He’s going to be more than fine.

He’s going to be amazing.

P. too.

But the road to get there just got a lot rockier.

And I wish I had someone to talk to about it.

 

4 Comments

Filed under Anxiety Overload, Brave New (School) World, E.- the seventh year, Grief

The tenth month

Over a month late again! #secondchildproblems

Dearest P.,

This was a BIG month for you! There were so many changes and new developments. There are good things about every stage but I have to be honest- this stage is one of my absolute favourites. At the same time, it’s bittersweet because so many of the changes in you this month make it clear just how close you’re getting to your first birthday. You’re still very much a baby, especially when I look at you compared to your brother, but you’re definitely an older baby now and it won’t be long before I look at you and see a toddler looking back.

The biggest changes this month were physical ones. At the start of the month you were very confident when pulling up on to your knees, so we lowered your crib mattress to the lowest setting and moved everything on the fridge a little bit higher. It didn’t take too long before you started pulling to standing- using the couch, a laundry basket, the door of the dishwasher, Daddy’s legs- whatever was available! By the end of the month you were very confident standing but weren’t quite cruising. You will let go with one hand or the other but you weren’t ready to move your feet.

The other big physical change was you finally started to properly crawl rather than use your asymmetrical army crawl. Ironically you started to do this the day before you had an appointment with an OT to get the army crawl assessed. Needless to say when the OT arrived to find you crawling around and using all of your limbs evenly you were given a clean bill of health!

The combination of proper crawling and pulling to standing has meant that you’re able to get into a lot more trouble now. You’re much faster (which has been a bit of a shock for your brother) and your reach has greatly extended. You can reach all of the coffee tables and you can even get your fingers onto the top of the dining room table if you really stretch. E.’s had to move all of his toys either up to his room or down to the basement as you can reach every spot on the toy shelf in the living room. He also has to have his snack at the dining room table because if he eats it at his little table in the kitchen you come along and try to throw his plate on the floor. You’re still his biggest fan- you crawl over and pull up next to him so you can see what he’s doing every opportunity you get. He’s so big and you’re so little, but you’re desperate to join in. It melts my heart.

All of this newfound mobility makes giving you a bath a bit more complicated. It’s very hard to keep you sitting now as you always want to crawl around in the water, pull up on the side, or try to grab the faucet. If I leave you in the crib while I’m having a shower you immediately stand up and throw all your toys over the side (and then shriek in displeasure that they’re gone). Your all-time favourite activity is to pull up to standing and then unpack anything you can reach. You’re starting to learn that you can’t pull E.’s books off of the shelf (although you gleefully unpack your own), but you love to take down all the plastic cups and plates in the kitchen. If I’m tidying up you’ll come along behind me and “help” by unpacking everything again. More than once our evenings have ended with me putting away your books, only to find that you’ve pulled them all out again while I’m putting away the toys, and you then move on to the toys while I frantically try to get all the books on the shelf again.

Your personality is emerging a little more each day. I wouldn’t say you have a lot of separation anxiety, but it’s clear that you’re not comfortable in new environments with lots of people looking at you, and you find people who wear glasses with big thick frames to be a little scary. If I’ve been out you crawl towards me at top speed, fussing and complaining, as soon as I walk in the door, even if (as your Daddy or your babysitter tells me) you were perfectly content before you heard my key in the lock.

If we say bye-bye you look to the door to see who is going (and you’ll usually wave, although sometimes you only wave once the person has left). When playing hide-and-seek, if I ask you to find your brother you’ll crawl towards where he’s hiding. You can find “Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb” on your shelf and hand it to me. I think you’re asking me to read it, although it’s hard to tell because you usually grab most books and close them after one or two pages. One night I made the mistake of bringing a new book upstairs to read at bedtime (“I am a Bunny”). As soon as I started reading it you started fussing and wriggling and looking at the bookshelf and you didn’t stop until I read “Global Babies” and “Baby Faces Peekaboo” like we usually did.

I’ve had to concede this month that “dada” is a word. You say it a lot (I think probably because it gets such a reaction from us) and it’s not always in context, but it is pretty clear that you use it to refer to Q. when he’s around. You also have a “ma” sound that you’ll sometimes make when you want milk, especially when you’re up and calling me at night. You also continue to make the noise that sounds like “all done” in context, although not very often so the jury’s still out on whether we should consider that to be a word.

You don’t really need “all done” as a word at the moment, as you’re more than capable of making it perfectly clear that you’re finished eating. If we’re not quick enough to figure out that you’ve slowed down you’ll start to mash your food, or fling it off your tray using your hands like windshield wipers. Your most common “tell”, however, is you try to pull your bib off. We’re starting to impose some rules around eating- you’re all done with your cup if you start to try to put your fingers in it, and you don’t get food returned once it’s been dropped over the side more than once. You still sign “milk” when you want a drink of water, but sometimes you just go straight to a shriek of frustration. You like all the same foods that you did last month. Some days you eat more than your brother and others you barely eat anything at all. I’m sure it all evens out.

You still love that you can ask for milk. In the late afternoon, if you’re feeling tired or sad you like to sit on my lap with your legs on either side of my waist and your body squished up against my chest. We have a lovely cuddle while you nurse. If you’re your usual energetic self you like to do what I call “nurse dancing” where you stand next to me, put your hands on my leg for balance, and then wiggle and dance while nursing. Sometimes you settle in for a full feed but most often it’s many frequent snacks. I don’t really mind, although it is a bit frustrating when you nurse just long enough to get a letdown before you head off to do something else. I always end up with milk dripping everywhere. You still have proper feeds before each of your naps and before bedtime, as well as once or twice a night, so I know you’re getting plenty of milk.

There was very little change in the sleep department this month. Your bedtime is still 6:30 p.m., you’re still up a couple of times in the night, you still nap twice a day, your first nap is still close to two hours long, and your second nap is still almost always interrupted by having to go get your brother from school. You tend to go down fairly quickly for naps and at bedtime, unlike your brother who at this age would grizzle and chat to himself for twenty or thirty minutes (and who still takes an incredibly long time to turn his brain off and fall asleep at night). We occasionally hear you chatting for ten minutes before your second nap but usually there’s not so much as a peep once I leave your room. You get up for the day somewhere between 5:30 and 6:45 a.m. and we’d love for you to decide you could sleep a little bit longer (as 5:30 is really early when I know you won’t be able to nap until after we’ve dropped your brother at school). You sleep on your side and I’ve noticed that you like to hold your own hands as you fall asleep- if I put you down when you’re very sleepy (like when you wake up too early and you’re desperate for your nap), you’ll roll over right away on to your side, hold your hands, and close your eyes. It is adorable.

Much less adorable was your realization early in the month that you could grind your teeth together. I remember this phase (and how horrified I was by it) from your brother’s infancy. I was so relieved that it turned out to be a short phase- by the time tooth #4 came through at the end of the month you’d already stopped. That tooth was the first one where we felt you needed Tylenol, which makes me wonder if more teeth are coming soon.

You really enjoyed the warmer weather this month. Spring has been very very slow in arriving, but we did have a few nice days. One morning I spent a happy hour weeding the garden while you played in the travel crib (and tried to eat any pine needles that the nearby tree dropped in). You don’t realize it yet, but you’re going to be spending many, many hours out in the garden with me, so I felt it was a bit of an occasion the first time you came out to “help”. We had one gorgeous day where we went to the park and you got absolutely filthy playing in the sand (and “helping” your brother and his friend with their engineering project). You had the biggest smile on your face the entire time. The warmer weather also makes me look like less of a terrible parent when we’re out for a walk and you pull off your socks while sitting in the stroller (you have just as much disdain for socks as your brother did- your Daddy says it’s your Antipodean heritage).

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for us next month. I love you ever so much, my darling girl.

Much love,
Mummy

 

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Filed under Letters to P., P.- the first year

Microblog Mondays: Unexpected Good News

Today I had an endocrinologist appointment, so I gritted my teeth, packed up P. and a whole bag of entertaining things, and hopped on transit after dropping E. at school.

When I got there, I found a large notice taped next to the check-in window which announced that my endocrinologist, for health reasons, was retiring.

A youngish female doctor is taking over his clinic.

I met her today.

She wants her patients to get bloodwork done two weeks in advance of the appointment so that she can have the results when she sees you. You can get the bloodwork done at ANY LAB in the city- no more waiting for an hour or longer in the hospital after the appointment to get bloodwork done.

She greets you! She makes eye contact!

SHE WAS ON TIME!!!!!

I don’t wish health issues on anyone, but I am not going to be disappointed to see the last of my rude, condescending, bullying endocrinologist. I should have quit him years ago but inertia and the repeated assertions by every other doctor I encountered that “his bedside manner sucks but he’s the best of the best” kept me coming back.

In one classic closing punch, the new doctor commented that in December my TSH had been overly suppressed. She asked if the old doctor and I had had a conversation about it. I snorted. “He doesn’t do conversations.” Then we discovered that he had adjusted my prescription and forgotten to tell me to change it.

Good riddance.

Have you stuck with a rude doctor because they’re good at treating the issue?

This post is part of #MicroblogMondays. To read the inaugural post and find out how you can participate, click here.

3 Comments

Filed under Microblog Mondays, Thyroid

Absence

I don’t have any friends.

This isn’t, of course, exactly true, but it’s how I’ve been feeling for the last few months.

I have two sisters who are my best friends and who (finally) both live relatively nearby.

I have good friends from high school who don’t live in the same city.

I have some very close girl friends who would be my besties if they lived in the same city, but they don’t (and a couple of them aren’t even in the same country).

I have friends who do live in the city but not in our neighbourhood. They all have kids too and getting together requires scheduling and planning and many emails.

I have online friends, including one group of ladies who’ve been together since 2008. We all struggled with infertility and now we are all trying to navigate our way through parenting, work/life balance, etc. I’ve met them all in person, but no one lives in my city.

I have lots of people I talk to at school pick up and drop off.

I rarely walk anywhere in my neighbourhood without seeing someone I know well enough to stop and chat with.

What I don’t have, however, are good girl friends who live in my neighbourhood, whose kids go to the same school as E.

And this year I’ve really felt that absence.

I’ve been in this neighbourhood for long enough- this September it will be nine years since we moved into our house. Some of the mums at school whom I would most like to be friends with are newer arrivals.

But I feel like I’ve missed the friendship boat. The mums I would most like to be friends with already have other mum friends. They are friendly to me, but they already have someone to talk to when things are tough.

Most of them have been friends since they were on maternity leave.

I was on maternity leave then too.

I didn’t make mum friends in my neighbourhood. I had a group of mum friends from prenatal yoga and we hung out all the time in that wild first year, but two of them moved away and the ones who are still in the city are not in my neighbourhood.

I’m kicking myself now for not trying to find mum friends right where I lived, but the mums whom I would most want to be friends with all had January or February babies.

Four or five months doesn’t make a difference now that they’re all six, but in that first year it would have been huge.

We made some friends when E. was at nursery school, but their kids haven’t been in the same class as E. for two years now, and they have other friends too, so it’s hard to maintain a connection.

E. is not good at making friends. It’s been extremely hard for him, which makes it that much harder for me, because my best chance to make friends with these mums is when our kids are playing together. And if E. doesn’t want to stay after school to play in the playground, if getting him to agree to a playdate is like pulling teeth, if he doesn’t connect with the kids of the mums whom I like, then how can I forge a connection?

We’re all parenting one (or more) kids. Almost everyone is working. No one has much free time, so of course they’re going to want to spend the time that they do have with their established friends. And P. has certainly complicated things on my end.

The truth is, I am not good at making friends either.

I am introverted and anxious.

It is hard for me to reach out.

But I’m realizing that I’m also really lonely.

There’s been a lot going on with E. this year, on top of everything that happened to my family last year, and I’ve realized I just don’t know who I can talk to about it. It’s too much to just hand over to someone I don’t know all that well. It’s too big.

And so I smile and wave and chat with the other mums.

I talk and talk.

I never really say anything.

 

5 Comments

Filed under Anxiety Overload, Friends