Week by week, again

I think it speaks volumes about how I have been feeling about this pregnancy that I started this at five weeks with E. and then at six weeks with the baby we lost. But I know I will kick myself if I don’t take the time to record how I am feeling as this pregnancy progresses. So I’m going to start, even though it’s scary.

How far along? Eleven weeks

How am I feeling physically? So much better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I still have occasional days where the nausea catches me off guard, especially if I haven’t eaten for a few hours, but it’s becoming much less common. I almost never find myself gagging while walking around the neighbourhood (which was happening every day around the eight/nine week mark). I’ve been working hard this past week to return to a more normal pattern of eating (i.e., not constantly) now that I don’t need food in my stomach to quell the queasies. This has proved challenging as my body is quite used to frequent snacks and sees no reason to change things. I spend a lot of time telling myself I’m not actually hungry, it’s just my body has forgotten what normal eating looks and feels like.

It’s helped that my body has stopped craving carbohydrates. It’s like the baby woke up one morning and decided, “Ok. I’m good with the Triscuits for now, thanks. What I really want is some kale salad. Actually, make that a GIANT bowl of kale salad. With a clementine on the side. Actually three clementines. And maybe a pear.” Kale salad and fruit are the things that seem most appetizing right now (along with bagels and cream cheese, which I didn’t want to eat at all for the first few weeks). I’m not that interested in meat. I did have a craving for a veggie sub from Subway (which was my standard craving with E.) this week, which I indulged, but I’m starting to think the craving was actually for the honey mustard and mayonnaise I usually get on it, as I think a large part of why I keep craving kale salad (I’ve eaten two bags of it this week) is the pre-made poppy seed dressing that comes with it. So apparently the baby wants fruit and salad dressing.

I’m hoping the shift in food cravings, along with my new eating regime, will help to curtail the truly ridiculous weight gain that has occurred thus far (to date: I’m up eight pounds, which is driving me crazy, especially since I was up a grand total of three at this stage with E.). I wish I could figure out where the weight is going. My pants fit exactly the same, and other than the pregnancy bump (which is looking quite a lot like a bump these days, far more so than with E.), I don’t think I look all that different. I think I’ll have to get Q. to hide the scale before he leaves for Australia, as otherwise I will just fret. I am doing lots of walking (just like I was with E.), and I haven’t been eating an outrageous amount for the last couple of weeks, but the scale just keeps ticking upwards.

The uterus has been doing a lot of stretching and cramping, which I am trying to treat as normal and not as an imminent sign of a miscarriage. It definitely complains if I do too much in one day. Its definition of too much and mine aren’t lining up just yet, so I am spending most evenings with my feet up on the couch.

How am I feeling emotionally? Fine from moment to moment. Still not really engaged with the pregnancy as a real thing that is really happening, despite seeing the baby every single week. When the technicians show me the screen, and the baby is there, obviously bigger and doing more things than the previous week (at 10w2d, it was kicking legs and waving arms around), my first thought is always: “Oh hello! You are in there!”, like I’m somehow expecting to have misplaced it since the previous scan.

About the only time I get really excited and really happy is when I tell someone else, because then I can just absorb their reaction and let go of my own worries. It’s been good that we took over a week to tell all of our parents (I forgot my father was travelling this week so it took me a bit longer to track him down). I’ve also told a couple of friends this week that I see every day at drop off. It was starting to bother me that I was keeping this from them. They’re obviously completely ecstatic (they both got teary), so that helped. Other people seem perfectly certain that this baby is coming in June. Their certainty helps keep me settled when I start fretting.

How does it compare with E.’s pregnancy? Ha! With E.’s pregnancy, I wrote this:

Quite a lot of cramping this week- I guess the ute must be growing.

and this:

I still get a momentary panic whenever we tell someone else the news, but I am getting better at believing that this doesn’t jinx us.

I guess some things don’t change.

On my mind: Q. and I have started to wade into the name issue, albeit on a very casual basis. It usually consists of me randomly tossing out name ideas while Q. is trying to work in the evenings, and then he rejects the names, and then I go back to the drawing board. The problem is we never, ever found another boy’s name that we both loved, other than E. If this baby is a girl, we are set, as I am 99% sure we will use the name we had chosen if E. had been a girl. But if it is another boy, we are in real trouble. There was one other name we both liked, but it has a connection to one of Q.’s advisers from his doctorate, and five years ago he was worried it would look like we were naming the baby after that individual. I think we should revisit this, as I still love the name, I know Q. loved the name, it works with the last name, AND it sounds great with E., which is harder than one would think to achieve as we like Irish names because Q.’s last name is Irish, but now that we chose E., the really Irish names make it look like we’re building an IRA sleeper cell. (We had one evening where we settled on Seamus and then by bedtime we both agreed it was just too Irish when put with E.)

I am sure we will get there eventually, but part of me is sorely tempted to find out the gender just to avoid the entire painful debate if it turns out the baby is a girl. I know it is common to really struggle with a name for a second child of the same gender when you are certain you hit the jackpot with the first name, and I know everyone eventually names their children. But right now it would be so much easier if this baby were a girl (even if E. is convinced it will be a boy because “I am not sure what I am supposed to do with a baby sister”). E.’s name is perfect. Absolutely perfect. It seems impossible to do that again.

Sleep? I am debating keeping this category because I don’t have sleep problems. Ever since I fixed my insomnia (almost two years ago now), my sleep has been great. I am tired and I need more sleep than usual right now, but I have no trouble getting it, and even if I wake up at 5:30 a.m., I can go back to sleep for another hour.

Best Moment: Probably telling my Dad. I have been approaching the subject with my parents by asking if they’d like to have some more company over Christmas and then telling them I’m not going to Australia after all. This has led (every time) to cries of dismay before they ask me why not, and then I get to tell them that I’m pregnant. It is pretty fun. When I told my Dad, his response was: “Outstanding!” (which is SO my Dad). A bit later in the conversation he said, “You kept it really quiet that you were back at the clinic,” to which I gleefully replied, “We didn’t go back- this one was FREE!”, and he couldn’t believe it. It is an extra layer of fun telling people who know our history because it is just so crazy that we got pregnant on our own after all those years at the clinic.

E. has also been hilarious this week. He is very concerned about when the baby will be able to understand about trains, so he’s planning to “get out some of my track for the baby, but just a little bit of track, because the baby will not really understand switches or elevated sections. And I will build a small train for the baby with just a few cars, like my first train when I was little. And I will show the baby the picture of me with the steam engine we rode on this summer” (which is in a frame in our living room because he loves it that much) “so that the baby will know how the steam engine works when we take the baby to ride on it” (because obviously that is something we’re going to do).

Other stuff: Q. and I are already discussing work options for the summer and next year. The wild card is a friend of ours who outranks me in seniority at my university when it comes to contract teaching positions. Q. heard from another friend that this friend has announced he’s going to leave the city (and academia) at the end of this current year. If he actually does this, that will open the door for me to pick up his teaching, which includes at least one course that is pretty much guaranteed to run every year. The downside is I’d have to start teaching in September 2016 (and basically forego a maternity leave of any kind). But we both know if the door opens I have to walk through it, as I cannot afford to let someone else get ahead of me in the courses in my field. And given how much I hated being at home full-time with an infant the last time around, maybe teaching a course or two (especially if one of them I’ve taught before, which is a possibility) would be a good compromise. Anyway. There are waaaay too many variables to try to figure things out at this juncture, but Q. and I are on the same page about what I should do if opportunities arise. Now we just have to see what gets offered and whether our friend follows through on his grand statement.

Up next: Nuchal scan is on the 3rd (at 11w5d) and we should hopefully have the results from our Harmony test back by then as well. Fingers crossed for two good results. I think that will help a lot with my anxiety.


Filed under Me? Pregnant?!, Week-by-week

Making Plans (Maybe)

Q. received an invitation this week to go to a conference in Europe next summer.

I don’t know what it is about next summer- he didn’t have any European conference invitations for this summer, but this is the third one for 2016.

The first two were easy rejections because the dates of the conference were too close to our due date.

This one is no different: the conference runs from the 29th of June to the 2nd of July.

Our due date is the 20th of June.

The reason we didn’t immediately fall about laughing and say no?

The conference theme is the closest to Q.’s own research that he’s seen in the last five years, and they’ve asked Q. to be the keynote.

So we didn’t say no.

Instead we sat down and we talked about options, and we looked at probabilities, and we consulted with my biologist sister for number crunching, and we eventually hit upon the statistic that there was a 93% probability that the baby would be born by the day Q. would have to fly.

And we decided that provided I could call in some parental assistance for the period he would be away, and provided the organizers of the conference were willing to have a keynote via Skype if the baby hadn’t yet arrived or if s/he had arrived and there were complications, there was no reason for Q. not to go.

And it occurred to me that this could look SO full of hubris to an outside eye. Almost like an oblivious fertile person: “Oh, of course you should go to the conference, Q. The baby will be born by then! I can get my Mum to come to help! It will all be fine!”

When I sat with the decision overnight and unpacked it, I realized that wasn’t at all how I was thinking.

Q.’s first instinct when he received the email invitation was just to say no, even though it would be such a great opportunity. I was the one who pushed him to consider the possibility that we could make it work.

And I think I pushed him because, deep down, I still don’t believe there’s going to be a baby in June.

Even though we had yet another ultrasound on Monday (our fifth) that showed the baby measuring exactly 10w2d and waving its arms and kicking its feet, even though we have now told all of our parents, and E., and a few more friends, even though the odds of miscarriage at this point are incredibly low, my gut instinct is that something is still going to go wrong.

A bad result at the 12 week scan, or at the anatomy scan at 18-19 weeks. Or going into labour too early. Or a stillbirth.




There are so many possibilities where things can go terribly terribly wrong.

I can’t be an oblivious pregnant woman. Some of my friends have experienced those terrible possibilities. I know they’re not just statistical outliers. They happen to real women.

I don’t know how to get myself to relax and engage with this pregnancy. I know with E. I felt better after the twelve week scan, but I still worried for much of the pregnancy, even after the anatomy scan.

I just know that even though everything right now points to all things going swimmingly, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Filed under Anxiety Overload, Me? Pregnant?!


I haven’t written a lot on here about how E.’s transition to JK has gone.

It’s been very difficult. Very very difficult, for him, for us, for his teachers.

The fundamental problem is E. is not ready to be at school six hours a day, five days a week, with twenty-nine other children in his classroom.

He’s highly introverted, very noise sensitive and asynchronous in his development (in that intellectually he’s much older than four-and-a-half, but emotionally/socially he’s quite a lot younger).

He hasn’t been able to make friends in the classroom (which would help with his comfort levels) because he’s not really ready to make friends. He still prefers to spend as much time as possible with his imagination. His teacher said to me once that, “E. doesn’t play with the other children at recess. He tends to run around in circles.” When I asked E. about it, he told me that he uses recess to tell his stories, because he’s not allowed to tell his stories in the classroom (and telling lengthy, elaborate stories involving his favourite model train and most of his stuffed animals is one of his preferred activities). He always runs around the house when he tells stories at home. I have a theory it’s because he has so much going on in his brain he needs the physical activity to streamline his thinking so that a coherent story can emerge.

In the classroom, E. gets overwhelmed and overstimulated. The resulting behaviour looks to his teachers like a boy being intentionally naughty, so it’s taken a long time for them to understand that if E’s running around laughing manically and dumping things on the floor, his brain is no longer in control of his body and he needs help to calm down.

His teachers are supportive and open to suggestions, but there’s also only so much they can do when they have thirty kids (one teacher, one ECE). At home, when E. gets manic, we can calm him down in less than five minutes. At school, he’s made quite a few visits to the office just because they can’t get him to settle unless he’s removed from the classroom (and he’s too little to just chill out in the hall with a book for a few minutes).

That said, this week has shown that maybe, just maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. E.’s had four good days in a row at school thus far, something which hasn’t happened since September (if ever). Something is working (finally). It’s probably a combination of the strategies we’ve implemented, but I also suspect there’s been one key change.

Our strategies include:

Classroom Interventions:

  • A photo album with family photos, which E. can look at whenever he feels anxious or misses me (he has complained since the beginning that the day is too long and he misses me too much).
  • A ‘quiet box’ filled with fun things that E. can sit down with in the quiet corner and use as a focus to help him calm down when he starts to get overstimulated and silly (includes a “Can You See What I See” book all about a train, a Spot the Dinosaurs book, a book of hidden picture puzzles, two books of mazes, and a book with easy connect the dots)- we’d been using the quiet corner as a place to calm down for weeks, but we found E. needed something more concrete than just going there and taking his deep breaths. He needed something that his brain could engage with.
  • A piece of carpet from home that E. can sit on when the class is sitting at the big carpet (so that he knows where to put his bum and doesn’t lie down or sit on other children if he gets bored).
  • Noise-reducing headphones (these only arrived this week, but they’ve been working well now that the other children have stopped trying to pull them off his head).
  • His teachers are also keeping a closer eye on a couple of children who think it is funny to egg E. on and encourage him to do things that get him in trouble.

Interventions at Home:

  • Stickers on the calendar if he has a good day (he is using train stickers this week and is excited to watch his train get longer).
  • The promise of an afternoon off with me if he has five good days in a row (he’s picked riding on the new streetcar and going to the train museum).
  • The threat of losing his trains for a week if he has three bad days in a week (he already loses television privileges if he has a bad day but that didn’t seem to be effective, so we raised the stakes. I wanted to determine just how much of the problematic behaviour was involuntary and how much stemmed from him getting into a bad pattern).

I think all of these things are helping, but I also think the most fundamental change is this: E. was enrolled in a hot lunch program that runs three days a week at the school. He brings the leftovers home every day, so I could see how much (or little) he was eating. Q. and I had also both noticed that E. regularly had days where he didn’t eat either his morning or his afternoon snack. When we asked E. about it, he told us that he is “too busy” to eat snack or that he finds it “too stressful” to eat snack because you have to watch the table and see when there is a free chair (unlike lunch where everyone sits down at the same time, it seems snack is on a bit of a rotation). E. would come home from school STARVING and would immediately unpack his lunch bag and eat all his snacks (and then request more snacks).

It’s really obvious when E. is hungry. He’s like me: he gets hangry and irrational.

So we asked E. if he wanted to stop hot lunch, and he said he did. We’re still technically registered, as you have to give two weeks’ notice, but this week we’ve packed him a full lunch with one of two main options (nut-free pesto pizza or a cheese quesadilla) every day.

And presto. Four good days in a row. Two days E. didn’t even want a snack after school when it was offered. He’s still skipping snacks at school, but at lunch he is sitting down and eating his pizza or his quesadilla and (at minimum) a piece of fruit and one other item from his lunch bag.

It’s still early, but I honestly think this might be the magic bullet we’ve been looking for.


Filed under Brave New (School) World, E.- the fifth year, JK

9w4d- breathing easier

I went back in to the clinic yesterday.

Here is what I saw:


Not only was the baby still alive, it had a great heartbeat (158 bpm again) and it was moving. We are now officially past the loss point with the last pregnancy, so I feel a lot better about things. I still have a low level general worry about the health of the baby, which I imagine will continue (like it did with E.) right up until the moment where the baby is born healthy and alive, but otherwise I feel fairly relaxed about things. I’ve accepted there’s nothing I can do to change things, and I just have to trust my body can grow this one like it grew E.

Dr. B. now has me tapering pretty much all my medications. I’ll stop the aspirin and fragmin on Friday, the estrace and progesterone on Monday, and the metformin will be finished by Sunday. That will just leave me with my Vitamin D, the prenatal and my synthroid. I will be glad to see the end of all of them, but I’m especially looking forward to stopping the progesterone suppositories and the fragmin.

I will go back in next week for another scan and the Harmony blood test. I think it takes a little over a week to get the results back, so hopefully we will have the all clear before the 12 week scan on the 3rd of December (which is technically 11w5d, but I don’t think it will matter all that much).

I really like this new doctor. I wish I had switched earlier. I technically wasn’t supposed to go in this week, as he told me I could wait until I came in at ten weeks for the Harmony test, but I just didn’t want to go away for two weeks, as the last time I did that, the baby died and I spent two weeks thinking I was pregnant when I wasn’t.

My doctor didn’t care at all that I came back in, and said to me: “If you get any anxiety or worry at all, just come on in and visit us and we’ll check on the baby and make sure everything is fine.” He told me I was one of their nicest patients and they loved seeing me.

I am starting to feel better, just like I did with E. I no longer have to eat continuously to keep from throwing up, although now the problem is I’m used to all the snacks! I do still get nauseous, and I actually did throw up on Friday afternoon (I got motion sick on the bus coming down from the university, which I remember was also a problem when I was pregnant with E.), but generally things are better. I’ve noticed this pregnancy doesn’t have any specific cravings. With E. it was veggie sandwiches from Subway. With the last one it was veggie burritos and poutine. This one just wanted me to eat carbs- it wasn’t fussy about what kind. If I had a craving for something, I’d try it, but I never had the repetitive, week-after-week cravings I had with the last two.

I’m still sleeping well. It’s complicated by the fact that Q. has failed to adjust to the end of daylight savings, so he keeps waking up at ridiculous hours. But I usually just go back to sleep.

Last night we told E. I told him at dinner, which probably wasn’t the best idea as he was then too distracted to eat anything. His immediate reaction was: “Are you sure there’s one in your uterus?” When I asked if he wanted to see a picture, he said, “Yes please!” and then asked “Where is the baby?” when I gave him the ultrasound image. I guess he was expecting a picture of an actual baby. Once I pointed out the head and the arms and the body I could see him make sense of it.

His immediate concern was for the baby’s transportation: “But the baby will need a stroller. Do we still have our stroller? The one with three wheels? Yes? Well, we cannot sell it. We need to keep it for our baby.” When Q. asked if he thought the baby would need anything else, he announced, “Baby toys! And we have those from when I was a baby.” and then started to tell us about how he was growing a Baby Saskia (one of his stuffed animals- a snake) in his own tummy.

He also commented (right at the beginning): “Oh! Is this why you have been moving more slowly than usual?” I hadn’t realized I’d slowed down so much, but apparently he felt it was quite obvious.

There was lots of discussion about when the baby would come out (June) and how that was a long time away and how the baby was very small right now and how when it came out he could see what he was like as a baby. All and all it went well- there were no immediate protests or shouts of “No thanks!”, which is what I was half expecting. We didn’t tell him this means I won’t go to Australia. We might just lie to him and tell him I can’t go because I have to start teaching my courses earlier. We don’t usually lie to him, but if I can come up with a way to spin the change so that it’s not the baby’s fault, I’d prefer to use that.

I also told my Mum and stepfather this morning (via Skype). They were obviously thrilled. My stepfather cried so much he had to step away from the computer. We’ll tell my father and stepmother, and Q.’s mum and sisters too, and that will probably be it until we get past the twelve week mark. Once Q. and E. go to Oz and I don’t, we’ll have to explain that to people, but luckily that coincides with hitting twelve weeks, so it should all work out.

Funny that. It might just all work out.

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Filed under E.- the fifth year, Me? Pregnant?!

8w3d- still in this

Scan was fine this morning. I had another tech who scanned and scanned and clicked and clicked and stared at the screen and didn’t say anything until she was completely done, at which point she turned the screen to show me the baby, which was manifestly bigger and had leg and arm bumps and was in the gummie bear phase I can remember with E. I was proud that I didn’t start to panic. I am still worried, especially as we are now right where the last one died, but I am doing a better job of just going with the moments. I still don’t feel like I have all that much invested in this pregnancy, I guess because we didn’t spend thousands of dollars on IVF in order to get here. It was a surprise. Not an unplanned surprise, but a surprise nonetheless, and I am prepared to continue to be surprised by it (good or bad) as we continue.

Administrative notes: Dr. B. told me to start to taper the prednisone (yay!) but left me on everything else, including the fragmin (boo!).

The baby was measuring exactly on target at 8w3d and had a heartbeat of 158 bpm. It wasn’t moving yet. I wasn’t so thrilled about that, because the last one wasn’t moving at this ultrasound either, and I thought E. had been, but I just went back and looked at my posts and E. at 8w4d was measuring ahead (8w5d) but wasn’t moving. He was wiggling around by the following ultrasound at 9w6d. So I don’t know why I remembered he had been moving by this stage. Another good reason for blogs- they keep your memory honest. E’s heartbeat at this stage was 172 bpm. The last one had a heartbeat of 148 bpm. See, there is basically nothing to choose between them. One of them was a good baby and the other one wasn’t. We will have to wait and see what the result is with this one.

Q. and I have decided to pay out of pocket (about $500) for the Harmony non-invasive prenatal screening test, which is one of the newish blood tests that looks for fetal DNA in the mother’s bloodstream and uses it to analyze potential problems (mainly the three trisomies). The deal in Ontario is that women who have a bad nuchal scan at the twelve week mark are offered the blood test for free, but if you pay out of pocket you can get it from 10 weeks. Ordinarily Q. and I would probably have waited, but the twelve week scan is scheduled for right before Q. and E. are flying to Australia to spend Christmas with his family. (I am no longer going because of the pregnancy- we are just not willing to have me fly all that way. We have yet to tell E. this. It should be an absolute shit show when we do.) We didn’t want to run the risk of me being left here alone to deal with a bad nuchal scan result and potentially more testing and potentially difficult decisions. We felt it was worth paying money to buy us a bit more time for decision making (and hopefully we won’t need it). And really, this baby was such a bargain! I spent more on intralipid infusions for the pregnancy I lost than we’ll spend on the Harmony test, to say nothing of the IVF.

I was debating between Harmony and Panorama, because both are available in Ontario (Panorama is a couple hundred dollars more expensive). My doctor strongly recommended Harmony, partly because they can do the blood draw right in the clinic, instead of having to send me off to a specific group of labs, but mostly because he feels the microdeletions that Panorama also tests for are just a whole can of crazy waiting to be opened. He feels we all probably live with microdeletions, that most people don’t really understand what they mean, and that interpreting the test adds a layer of anxiety that no one needs. I was on the fence, so I appreciated his strong opinion. It’s pretty easy for me to move to Crazytown, and I’d rather not take up residence there for no good reason.

I still feel sick most of the time. It’s like it was with E., where I get sicker as the day progresses and am at my worst in the late afternoon/evening, but it’s much much worse. I still haven’t thrown up but I’ve been gagging a lot, and I had to leave the library early yesterday because I was positive I was going to throw up. I have also gained a truly alarming amount of weight for this stage (especially when compared with E.’s pregnancy where I was still down a pound at eight weeks), but I can’t see how to fix that, as if I don’t eat continuously (and mostly carbs) I feel unbelievably sick. I’m eating smaller meals to try to accommodate the snacking, but there’s no getting around the fact that my normal diet does not include copious quantities of Triscuits. I am going to try to get some more walking in. I think the fatigue is getting better, which is a good thing as if I don’t start writing lectures for next semester soon I am going to be in all sorts of trouble.

Also, I was in and out of the clinic this morning in 45 minutes for the second week in a row. Because I can’t get in until I’ve dropped E. at school, I always arrive at the tail end of cycle monitoring, which means my doctor has cleared all of his backlog and can see me as soon as I’ve had my ultrasound. This marks a huge change from my original doctor, who never used to even turn up until 8:30, at which point he’d have this giant pile of charts waiting for him. I am still having a very hard time with being at the clinic, even for this lovely reason, so it makes a big difference to get out of there so quickly.


Filed under Me? Pregnant?!

7w3d- still pregnant

Second ultrasound was today.

All was well. Baby was hanging out where s/he should be, heart was at 148 beats per minute, growth was spot on. It’s still a blob, but now a blog with a definite top half and bottom half.

I got pretty twitchy when the tech scanned for over a minute without saying anything, but then she must have realized I was starting to freak out because she popped in a “everything looks good so far”.

I don’t think you can ever fully recover from having an ultrasound where things didn’t look good. That moment of waiting for reassurance is terrifying.

Dr. B. is being cautious and has kept me on the entire chemical cocktail. I was hoping to escape the fragmin injections from this point, but no joy. My stomach is all sorts of interesting shades of purple and green and yellow.

I’m on the progesterone suppositories instead of the PIO shots, which makes Q. very very happy as he absolutely loathed giving me those injections. But the suppositories are gross. End of complaining. If it maybe helps, I’m willing to do it.

“How are you feeling?” asked Dr. B.

“Pretty sick, to be honest,” was my reply.

He gave me a HUGE smile. “Great news! That’s what I like to hear!”

I have yet to vomit (and I never threw up with E., so I’m hoping my perfect track record can continue), but I am very very very queasy most of the time. It felt like a switch turned at just past six weeks, when the pregnancy made it clear just who was in charge of my body (hint: not me).

The baby (called Kernel last week and Blueberry this week) approves of the following activities:
1. Sleeping
2. Lying down
3. Eating carbohydrates continuously or at least every hour, preferably while lying down

Activities other than the above lead to queasiness, cramping, and general feelings of not being well. The baby is particularly unwilling to have me do anything that requires a great deal of thought or concentration. Apparently that is too taxing. I vacuumed the house today and then felt like I was wading through treacle for the rest of the afternoon.

I don’t remember feeling like this with E., but I guess I am a) older, b) not in shape, and c) not souped up on a triple dose of prednisone to cope with the allergic reaction to the PIO shots.

In other pregnancy administrative news, I saw my endocrinologist (the rudest man alive) yesterday. After criticizing my clinic’s drug regime (he was horrified I was still on estrace and progesterone despite being pregnant, which I feel just demonstrates how little he actually knows about fertility issues) he eventually gave me a prescription that bumped up my synthroid dose, which is all I needed him to do. I have to see him again in two months if all continues to go well.

I’ve had one meeting with my midwife (the one who delivered E.) already. She was really interested in the diet changes that produced this result. She then asked me if I was planning to stay on the diet during pregnancy, as she was concerned about calcium if I wasn’t eating dairy.

I was just past five weeks at the time, so not feeling sick yet, and I said to her, “To be honest, I don’t think I’ll be able to stick to this diet if I feel like I did with E.”

Now, the idea that I might stay on my high protein/lower carbs, no dairy diet is just laughable. Blueberry has NO INTEREST in that plan. We’re already in negotiations about eating something other than crackers between breakfast and dinner. And Blueberry would really just like to eat potatoes for dinner.

Anyway, it wasn’t clear to me from the reports on the study that the PCOSers stayed on the diet when pregnant. They had lower miscarriage rates, but that could just be because their eggs were better quality to begin with and the embryos were healthier. We are still eating lots of meat but I am not beating myself up over the fact that I consumed an entire box of Triscuits last week. It is what it is, and this is either a good baby or it isn’t, and there is very very little I can do that would change anything.



Filed under Me? Pregnant?!, Midwives, PCOS, Thyroid

News, unexpected

A couple of weeks ago I went back to my clinic.

I know, I know.

I wrote here about how we were done with the clinic. DONE. Never returning.

I meant every word of it too.

And then, right around the same time that I reached my conclusion, the Ontario government announced that they were going to honour their promise to fund one IVF cycle (for any woman under 43, regardless of family status).

I will admit, that gave me pause.

I thought about it. I really thought about it.

And then I decided that their announcement didn’t change things, even if they had everything in place to start funding before the end of the year (which is a big if).

I realized that I wouldn’t go back to the clinic even if they PAID me.

So what changed?

Well, remember that cycle where I cut out dairy before ovulation and promptly ovulated on day 18?

The luteal phase from that cycle felt weird. Different from the last two.

And when I hit 12 dpo, and my temperature still hadn’t dropped (which it had never done before) I got curious.


At 17dpo, I went back into the clinic.

The betas followed:
17dpo: 594
19dpo: 1476 (doubling time 36 hours)
22dpo: 5851 (doubling time 36 hours)
25dpo: 13914 (doubling time 57 hours)

They never called me (at my request) with the fourth beta as by that point I had taken up residence in Crazytown over the prospect of multiples, because the betas were higher than either of my two previous pregnancies (including the one that started as a twin pregnancy) and they were doubling faster. You were spared all of this angst because one of my sisters was on vacation, and I needed to tell her before I posted on the blog as both my sisters read it. When I managed to link up with her via Skype (the day before the fourth beta) she helped me pack my bags to move out of Crazytown, as she’s a scientist and she can crunch the numbers properly and I trust her. I knew that another fast doubling time would send me back over the edge, so I opted not to know.

Yesterday was the ultrasound.

And we saw this:


ONE baby. Measuring 6w2d. With a heartbeat of 114.

It is still early.

I have been here twice before, with only E. to show for it.

But it looks like we’re getting one more shot at this whole family of four thing.

We’ll take it.


Filed under Cycle Madness, Me? Pregnant?!, PCOS, Second Thoughts