Category Archives: IVF

IVF #2- and the fertilization report is in

This morning, while we were eating breakfast, I asked Q. what number of embryos he was hoping for. “High teens,” he said. I agreed. I figured, if we got twenty-something mature eggs from the 34, and ended up with seventeen or eighteen embryos as a starting point, that would be about as good as we could hope for.

We got our wish. The clinic called about an hour ago to tell us that of the 34 eggs, 25 were mature and 17 fertilized! Can’t complain about that. So it looks like we will be able to aim for a Day 5 transfer. The f/s who is now in charge of us (as our f/s is now off on vacation) still has to review the chart. They don’t like to go to a Day 5 transfer unless they have “a lot” of embryos on Day 1, but honestly, if 17 doesn’t count as a lot, I don’t know what does. And last time all of our embryos continued to grow and remained very high quality from Day 1 to Day 3. Transfer should, therefore, be on Monday. And if we can get 8 or 10 blastocysts, I will be thrilled.

In response to Serenity’s righteous indignation after my last post, I’m not really sure how many eggs the clinic was expecting. I never really asked them. I know that one of the nurses said I had “a lot” going on, and one of the other f/s said that my ovaries were certainly busy, but when I looked at the scans in those last few days, I wouldn’t have thought I was seeing 15+ follicles on each ovary, and I’m sure they never recorded more than 9 or 10 on each side on my chart. Maybe they were only recording the biggest ones? My f/s always seemed happy with my E2 levels, but then he always puts a good spin on things. I do think I would have liked a little more warning about what was coming. At least this explains why I have felt so very awful over the last week or so.

In any case, I am feeling a lot better today than yesterday. I started being able to keep food down at around 8pm, and I had a pretty good sleep. The bloating is about as bad as it was yesterday, but it is certainly no worse. It’s doing the same thing it did last time, where the bloat drops away overnight and then builds back up again during the day. I’m not sure when the biggest danger zone for OHSS is- is it right after the retrieval, or am I more likely to have problems later this week or early next? I am chugging back the Gato.rade and eating pretty much all salt and protein, so hopefully that will help.

I thought I should write out in detail about the retrieval, as it was really different from my previous experience, and I think a blow-by-blow of the procedure is probably of most use to people who come across this blog.

We got there right on time for 10.30, and Q. disappeared off to do his thing. We went over my medication instructions, and then I just tried to relax. The waiting is tough, especially as I hadn’t eaten anything since dinner the night before, other than a bit of apple juice at 6.30 that morning (they tell you to cut off all fluids four hours before you have to be at the clinic). They put the IV in at about 11:15, and that was really unpleasant. I’m a bit sensitive about my hands, but once it was all taped up, it was ok. I went to the loo about 12:15 or so, but before I could sit back down they called me to go in.

We got me all set up on the table, and Q. was perched on the chair next to me. They hooked up my blood pressure (116/72, which is really high for me) and pulse (61- also very high). I guess I was nervous. Then the head nurse came in to start my medication. I had a good time zoning out while having a conversation with her about egg donors and people using surrogates in India (which I think is hugely problematic from an ethical standpoint, but that is another post). At one point I realized that the room wasn’t spinning anymore, and when I told her, she said that was because the drugs had worn off. They had thought my f/s was on his way, but he disappeared somewhere (it turns out he was dealing with a family crisis).

When he did turn up, everyone leapt into action…but I wasn’t drugged anymore. When he put the speculum in, I think he did it a bit carelessly, because I jumped a mile, and then he realized that I wasn’t doped up enough. I started getting really worried when they got out the needle (as they had enough sense not to let me see it last time), but thankfully the drugs kicked in at that point.

With the last retrieval, I remember the entire thing, including conversations I had with my f/s toward the end. I remember seeing the eggs on the screen, and the u/s monitor. I can remember them giving us updates on how many eggs there were.

This time? Nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery chair with a hot water bottle over my tummy and a blanket covering me, and Q. sitting next to me, reading his book. Q. says that I started to feel pain part of the way through and they had to give me more drugs, so maybe that is why I don’t remember much. He also tells me that I kept forgetting to breathe, or at least to breathe deeply, so the machines kept beeping and then all the nurses would look up and say, “Deep breaths, Turia!” He kept poking me every time it seemed like I was going to fall asleep.

Right at the end my f/s tried to make a joke by saying, “Ok, Turia, we’re just about to start!”, but apparently I just stared at him vacantly. He said to Q. that the meds have an amnesiac effect, and that this probably was no bad thing!

Apparently they were giving updates on the number of eggs, but I don’t remember any of this, and I asked Q. three times in the recovery room how many eggs we got. The third time I think I knew the answer was 34, but I didn’t actually believe that I’d heard that correctly.

Q. figures we were back in the recovery room by 1.30 or so, and I don’t think we left the clinic until 3.30. They took the IV out around 3, as I was able to go to the loo, but that made me feel really dizzy, so I had another sleep. At 3.30 they really wanted me to go home so I could get into my own bed and have a proper rest. I felt AWFUL. The head nurse of the IVF area helped Q. get me down the elevator and into a cab. She also gave him a plastic bag and a whole box of tissues- clearly I looked as bad as I felt. I’d eaten a cookie and half a sandwich at around 2.30, because at that point I was hungry and I felt fine. But it turns out I only felt fine while lying down. The clinic nurses did tell me to a) not eat until I got home and b) only eat something really light and plain, but I wasn’t in the mood to listen (I don’t cope well when hungry). I feel like I’ve learned my lesson- I remember being hideously sick after the general for the lap as well, so I need to recognize that I get very nauseous, and I need to not push myself when I start to think I’m feeling better.

The cab got stuck in some stop-start traffic on the way home, so I concentrated on not vomiting until we got back to our house. I was bolting for the toilet literally the moment we got in the door though. I was so sore, and so shaky and dizzy. I curled up in bed and just passed right out again. Around 4.30 or 5 I ate some plain crackers and drank some Gator.ade, as again I felt fine, but then by 5.30, as soon as I got out of bed, I was sick again. At that point I just went back to bed and stayed there for a few more hours.

Q. made me some french fries for dinner, as they were both plain and salty. And I ate a bowl of cereal later on in the evening once I was fairly certain the nausea had gone away. I was mainly worried about keeping down all the pills I was supposed to take, as I’d missed all my morning pills since I wasn’t allowed anything to eat.

Today I am still stiff and sore, but I can get around the house without much discomfort, and there’s no bleeding. I think these are all good signs. I’m taking it really easy.

So now it is a waiting game to see how many embryos make it to blast. I just hope we have enough so that something sticks. I realized right before this retrieval that I don’t remember very much of the day or so after the last one, other than the procedure itself. But I know this time was much more difficult. And I don’t know if I can bring myself to have to do this again.

Please, please, please let it work this time.


Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medical issues, Medications

IVF #2- Day 15- Retrieval report

34 eggs. Can’t say I was expecting that.

I am in a really bad state. I needed a lot of medication to get through the procedure- they gave it to me too early and then my f/s didn’t show up, so it wore off and I needed more. As a result I’m still (five hours after we finished) nauseous when I sit up. I’ve thrown up everything I’ve tried to eat- the first was half a sandwich and an oatmeal raisin cookie after the procedure. That was stupid, but I felt fine until I had to move and get home. My main goal was to avoid vomiting in the cab, which I did manage. But I’ve also just failed to keep down some plain crackers and Gat.orade, which is more of a worry.

I’m obviously a giant OHSS risk, as they made Q. buy the medication to try to counteract its effects (Dost.inex) before we left the clinic.

This is much much harder than last time. I’ll try to come on tomorrow to post with a full report, as long as I’m feeling better. I just didn’t want to go a whole day without letting you know how things went.


Filed under IVF, Medical issues

IVF #2- Day 14- waiting on the edge

This morning I was sitting on the couch we have in our kitchen, drinking my tea and watching Q. cook his breakfast, wondering why I felt so relaxed. Then I realized that for the last five days I’ve been at the clinic at that time, submitting to needles in my arms and my butt, and a very uncomfortable ultrasound probe.

It’s funny, because the twws were HARD after the FETs. I think it’s because the lead up to the FET is so easy, and then I was struggling with all the medications. This time around, I am so excited to get to transfer so I can just have two weeks without having to see the inside of the clinic.

We stayed up last night watching Harry Potter 5 until it was time to trigger. I remember the trigger for the first IVF was so nerve-wracking for both of us. We worried that we would sleep through our alarms (we set three). It was the first time Q. had given me an injection. This time it was just routine- no big deal at all. I was still nervous, but not about the needle. I worry a lot at this stage that something will go wrong- with the timings, with my meds. I want to have at least as many eggs as we did last time (14), but if I am being honest, I would like a few more. I hope ICSIing all of them means we get enough embryos to go to blast. I hope enough make it to blast to give us some FETs after the fresh transfer. I hope something works this time.

Yesterday I cooked up a big mess of fries and then salted them to within an inch of their life. Then after I polished them off and felt unbelievably thirsty, I drank my Gato.rade. I mocked myself the entire time.

And yet today is the least bloated I have been in a week. Coincidence? Who knows, but I’ve put fries on the menu for lunch today as well!

I feel like I’m in a roller coaster car that has slowly, painfully crept its way up that first high arc. Now I sit, poised on the edge, knowing it’s too late to back out, waiting for gravity and momentum to take over and drag me screaming through the whirlwind that is retrieval/transfer week.

Less than 24 hours to go now. I’ll be sure to post tomorrow with the results.


Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medical issues

IVF #2- Day 13- the end is (finally) in sight!

Yesterday, after my u/s, my f/s had to think for a minute. He decided he wanted to go one more day. So today when I turned up, and another f/s did my scan (as my f/s was having a day off), I said to him before we started, “You better tell me that I’m ready!”

“I don’t even need to do the scan,” he said. “I can tell you’re ready just by looking at your chart. Then he counted up the days. “You’ve been stimming for 13 days!” he said. “Gosh, you’re brave!”

I don’t feel brave. I feel frustrated, tired, SO uncomfortable. So bloated, to the point that I can’t tell if my digestion is out of whack or not. Lacking any sort of energy to do anything. Dragging myself to the clinic every morning for the last few days has been about the most I can manage. (During my third u/s with my f/s he looked over at me and quipped, “We’ve got to stop meeting like this!”)

Anyway, we did the scan. I am ready. We trigger tonight, and the retrieval is Wednesday. Tomorrow I do not have to go to the clinic, hurrah!

I ended up with one of the newish nurses explaining to me the IVF instructions. And once again, I was so glad that I pay attention to my care, as they had missed the fact that we were supposed to go to a Day 5 transfer if all goes well, and there was some definite confusion about which medications I was supposed to be taking. I didn’t check my meds before I left the clinic, however, and it turns out that although I paid for four PIO vials, I’ve only got three in my bag. This is annoying, but I’ll be able pick up the fourth vial when I go in for my retrieval.


This is a conversation I had with one of my favourite nurses (whom I haven’t seen in a while) yesterday:

Nurse: “Turia, you’re a good girl, a good patient. You don’t cry or whine or complain. You always do your bloods. You remember all your meds. Are you drinking Gator.ade?”

Me: “Yes, but the low sugar stuff. Is that ok?”

Nurse: “Oh yeah, that’s fine. You don’t need the sugar. You need salt! Do you like french fries?”

Me: “Yes?” (Now confused where this conversation is going.)

Nurse: “Good! I give you permission to eat all the french fries you want! With lots of salt. And pretzels. You should be eating pretzels. But mostly french fries and salt.”

So on the way home I bought french fries and pretzels. Who I am to argue with a trained medical professional? It always amuses me that the IVF/anti-OHSS diet basically is the exact opposite of what I would normally eat. Now if only they would tell me that I have to eat lots and lots of chocolate!

I have figured out why when the new nurses give me shots my entire leg seizes up and I can’t even walk by the end of the day, yet when the usual nurses or Q. do it, I’m fine. The new nurses are all jabbing me much further around, more in the side of my hip, while the actual targets that the nurse gave Q. are at the back. So I’ve started telling them that they have to use that spot. I’m sick of not being able to walk properly. (This has also effectively curtailed all running, although given how awful I feel right now I’m not convinced I would actually go and run even if I wasn’t sore.)

TSH came back in the normal range. So that is one big relief.

I have been trying not to complain too much to Q., as he cannot make me feel better, and he is doing the best he can to help by cooking me (salty, protein-filled) meals. But I forgot just how wretched this stage is.

I would take the bloat if it were pregnancy-related. It just doesn’t seem fair to be dealing with it now.


Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medical issues, Medications

IVF #2- Day 10

Not a whole lot to report from today’s visit. My eggies are still growing, albeit slowly. Most of them are floating around at the 14/13 mark. On the IVF conversion we were at 18/17 by this stage, so I’m definitely running a couple of days behind, and I think it’s possible that my ovaries preferred the Pure.gon protocol to this F/ Repro.nex combination.

My f/s doesn’t seem worried about it. He says my uterine lining looks great, and my estradiol is right where he wants it to be. He did up both drugs, so today’s dose was 225 F and 375 Repro.nex, just to make sure that nothing stalls.

He asked the lab to check my TSH, and someone should call me today to let me know where it’s sitting. I’ll be relieved no matter what the result is- if it’s still fine, I’ll know that the extra half-dose I’ve been taking every couple of days is doing its job, and if it’s crept up, we’ll have caught it in plenty of time to fix it before the transfer.

Other than that, I am still bloated and becoming progressively more sore and irritable. There has been a fair amount of emotional eating happening over the last couple of days, and I’m just letting it go, and doing whatever I need to get through these last few days before the retrieval. My main goal is to get to the retrieval feeling as comfortable and relaxed as possible. This is proving to be quite a challenge, given I feel ENORMOUS at the moment with all the bloat, but I just keep reminding myself it’s all temporary.


Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medications

IVF #2- Day 9- still running behind

Clinic again this morning. I’ll be there daily now until the retrieval (which is now looking more likely to be Tuesday rather than Monday). I had my favourite u/s tech this morning. I think she’s the boss of all the u/s ladies. I really trust her. And she’s often chatty about what she’s seeing, which is nice (especially since there are always signs up saying in big letters that u/s techs are NOT ALLOWED to discuss results with patients).

She told me that I was doing really well. She liked the number of follies and their size. Then she switched over to the left ovary, and started taking an awful of pictures and measurements. She said IVF cycles are like metal- there’s a shiny side and rough side. The shiny side is that I’m doing really well, but the rough side is that I’m probably starting not to feel all that great.

She hit that nail right on the head. I am queen of the bloat at the moment. My abdomen is so tight and swollen, and I can feel the “hot rocks” impersonation starting in my ovaries that I remembered from last time. I am drinking Gat.orade (blech- that stuff is so gross, even the low sugar version) and trying to eat loads of protein. I’m also craving sugar in a really big way- I’m not sure why. Possibly this is still left over from my less than stellar eating habits while on the trip.

So, the results from the u/s were that I’ve got one follie at 15, one at 13, and then a whole slew at 12, 11 and 10 (plus some smaller underachievers). My f/s wants them bigger at this stage, so he upped the Repro.nex again (now I’m on four vials). I get the feeling we started this cycle with me slightly understimmed, but we’ve never used Repro.nex with me before, so we weren’t to know. My follies haven’t yet caught up from that very first ultrasound after the first couple of days of stimming.

It’s not going to cause a major problem if we end up doing the retrieval on Day 14 or 15 (which would be 15 or 16 of my actual cycle), right? You only start to worry about stimming the eggs for too long if you go a week or so long, yes? My f/s doesn’t seem too stressed about the whole issue, so I am trying not to be as well.

Tomorrow I’m going to push to have my TSH tested again. We know it was back in the normal range at the start of stims. I know that stimming is hard on your TSH, and I have been taking extra half pills every couple of days to try and counter this. But I want to check that it’s working. If it’s slipped out of the normal range again, I want enough time to bring it back down before the transfer. Hopefully my f/s won’t challenge me on this, given we disagree on the relevance of one’s TSH to one’s chances of getting pregnant.

I am just now remembering how much TIME all of this takes. I guess we’ve only done FETs in the last year, and they are so much easier in the lead up. I was at the clinic for almost three hours this morning. I am so thankful I don’t have a 9 to 5 job while we do this, but at the same time, I have school things I should be doing, and it is really messing with my schedule to lose my mornings (which is when I am normally most productive).

Right now my plan is just to try to stay as comfortable and relaxed as possible, and get through to the retrieval. And I’m really hoping my follies pull up their socks and get growing!

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Filed under IVF, Medical issues, Thyroid

IVF #2- Day Seven- We’re in business!

This morning I realized I was feeling just a touch out of sorts. A bit bloated, a bit tight through the middle, some heaviness in my abdomen. And I figured that maybe my digestion was getting out of balance, and I should start paying more attention to how much fibre I’m eating.

Then I went to the clinic and had an ultrasound where the tech just kept taking pictures, and measuring, and taking pictures, and measuring. For what felt like AGES.

So while I was waiting to see my f/s, I had a look at my chart. I realized that the slightly uncomfortable feeling was not, in fact, due to my digestion. It was my ovaries. They liked the increase in drugs. I’ve got more than 10 follicles on each ovary, all measuring between 10 and 6.

My f/s has increased my dose of Repro.nex again, as he thought the follies were still a bit small for this stage in the cycle. I just checked back through my blog, and this is the day last April we were told we’d have to convert to IVF or cancel the cycle. At that point my follies were measuring 12 to 9. So he’s right that they’re a little behind, but he seems confident they’ll catch right up, and overall he said he was really really pleased with how I’m going.

I had a competent nurse this time, so no difficulties with the jab, and I got out in 90 minutes, and I’d eaten breakfast, so it was a much better day. I go back in on Thursday and after that I think I’ll be going in every day until the retrieval, which is probably going to be next Monday (although Sunday and Tuesday are also possibilities).

On the way home I picked up some Gator.ade (the stuff with no sugar), and I ate chicken for lunch. Time to get serious about the protein, me thinks.


Filed under IVF, Medical issues

IVF #2- Day 6- Stims are a PITA

Well, I did a lot of thinking after I posted last week about running and mental health and balance. And I really appreciated the comments from Serenity and Mel. So on Thursday I went for a run. Not a long one- just 6k at an easy pace, but enough to get the legs turning over and to allow myself to think that I wasn’t ceding control entirely to the drugs and the cycle and the tyranny of fear (you know the fear I mean- the fear that  you might do something to mess the cycle up).

And I looked at my calendar and thought that even though my usual half marathon is definitely out, as I would be missing two very key weeks of preparation, the one in October might not be. So I rejigged my schedule and decided to see how the weekend went.

On Saturday I had to go back into the clinic. I was running late, so I didn’t have breakfast beforehand (one of the most annoying aspects of having to take meds for the thyroid is I can no longer eat right after waking up. I have to wait at least 30 minutes, and a full hour is better). So I figured I’d go in, get bloods and the ultrasound done, and then skip out to grab some breakfast before I saw my f/s. I have done this many times in the past.

I think I forgot just how crazy that clinic can be on weekends. And Saturday? It was INSANE. I was reading, so I didn’t really notice just how long I’d been there before they finally called me for the ultrasound. And by then my f/s had arrived, and had cleared through all his backlog, so they stuck me in a room to see him almost as soon as the scan was finished.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited some more as my f/s disappeared to do IUIs, and then came back and didn’t remember which room he’d last been in, so messed up his rotation and saw patients who had not been waiting as long as I had. I was getting progressively more and more agitated, as by that point I was STARVING.

Let’s all remember that I have major blood sugar issues. If I go too long without eating and my sugar levels crash I do one of three things: 1) get really really angry; 2) cry at the slightest hint of a problem; or 3) manage to get both angry and weepy, and then faint.

By the time I saw my f/s, I was a mess. I thought I wasn’t stimming well (follies were still really small and I didn’t think there were that many of them if I read my chart correctly) but he seemed happy enough. He upped my Repro.nex to two vials a day after checking my bloods as my levels were still a bit low. He told me to start eating lots of protein and drinking Gatorade.

Then he sent me off to wait to see a nurse for my injection. I ended up with a new nurse (at least I think she’s new- I’ve never seen her before). She was nice, but I don’t think she’s all that experienced, as the shot she gave me HURT like nothing on earth. Seriously- I burst into tears. Some of this was probably due to low blood sugar and frustration (as I’d been at the clinic for over THREE hours by that point), but most of it boiled down to the fact that she caused me great pain.

The muscles in my butt and thigh on that side seized up. I could barely walk for the rest of the day. That is NOT what is supposed to happen. So I didn’t run on the weekend, and now I’m back to feeling like a blob and wondering if the path of least resistance is just easiest.

Anyway, I finally got out of there and immediately went straight to the nearest Tim Hortons to turn myself back into a functioning human being. I go in again tomorrow. I’m doing ok thus far- I haven’t had the typical day 3 or 4 where I spend the entire day helplessly weeping and deciding that Q.’s family hates me. But at the same time, I don’t feel like myself. I am super tired, all of the time. My legs feel heavy. Mentally/emotionally, I don’t feel very strong. I can’t believe how much running I was doing on vacation even a couple of weeks ago. Right now it exhausts me just to think about putting on my shoes.

And the stim needles are hurting more now that there is a larger dose of medication. Q. is really quick- I don’t feel the needle going in at all. But I can feel the meds being pushed in, and that is very uncomfortable. Any assvice on how to make that better? There is no way I can give the shots myself. I am building a giant complex about needles from this process, and I can barely manage the belly shots with Lu.pron. And I think Q. likes being involved, even though he doesn’t like hurting me.

I really feel like I just want to curl up under a blanket somewhere, drink tea and read books until this whole mess is over. Unfortunately I do have things I need to do this month (ummm, hello PhD proposal?). So I’d like this fog of exhaustion to lift sometime soon.

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Filed under IVF, Medical issues, Running

IVF #2 – Day 1

Even though it is Day 2 of my cycle, apparently my clinic restarts the clock the day you start stims. So today is officially Day 1 of IVF #2.

It wasn’t the most auspicious start. I was late getting in to the clinic due to transport woes. And the news from the clinic wasn’t all what I was expecting.

The good news was that I’m properly surpressed, so I was able to start stimming. The unexpected news was that this time around I am using and Repro.nex. So instead of my nice dial-and-inject Pur.egon pen, I am now mixing medications. Into a big needle. That Q. then has to stick in my ass.

Yep. We didn’t think Q. would have to start sticking me until the trigger, and then the PIO shots. We were prepared for all of that. I wasn’t prepared for big needles so early. When the nurse asked me how I felt about the whole thing, I actually got teary. I think it is because this time I’m going in with no illusions- I know EXACTLY how hard it will be and just how much of a grind I’m facing. And at the same time, I know I have to try to relax and not stress about the whole thing. All easier said than done.

So we do our own med-mixing and injecting tomorrow and Friday, and I’m back to the clinic on Saturday. I also started the baby aspirin and the pred.nisone today. Currently I’m only on the pred.nisone once a day, which I’m really hoping will help cut back on the crazy. I asked the nurse about it- she said heaps of other women have the same problems with anxiety and insomnia from that drug. At least it’s not just me.

I’m still on Lupron, but the dose has now been reduced. So the medication list is starting to pile up. I’m waiting for the afternoon call from the clinic to let me know where my TSH is sitting. I’m not sure how to try to manage it- I was anticipating having to increase my dose at least a couple of times a week to counteract the stress of stimming, but if it is still high, I may have to do more than that to get it to drop fast enough.

The other impact of discovering that we’ve gone straight to giant needles is on my running. I have been convinced that I will still be ok to run my usual half-marathon at the end of September (if the IVF fails, obviously). The way I figured it, I couldn’t run for the time after transfer, and probably wouldn’t be comfortable enough to run after retrieval, or even in the last few days prior to retrieval, but I figured I would still have enough time before and after the cycle to lay down the base fitness and put the final touches on.

I have been anticipating this. While I was away, I ran longer distances each week than I was supposed to, so that when I stopped running this month, I would still be ahead of schedule, with enough fitness built up that it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t run for a couple of weeks.

I want a sub-two hour half marathon. I was THIS close last year- I missed it by less than three minutes. And last year I had two weeks in August where I only ran one time (while on vacation). My times all summer have been significantly faster than they were last year. I’ve got a better base of fitness, thanks to all the running in the spring for the 10k.

But I think I have to acknowledge now that I’m not going to be running that half-marathon. I might still be able to run one later in the fall (there is another one in my city a month later), but it won’t be that one, over the course that I know so well. Because the simple truth is that it hurts to run hard when needles are getting stuck in my ass. It hurts to run when those muscles are inflamed.

I am in two minds about this. Part of me is really hurting with this news. Running has become a major part of my identity. It helps me handle my anxiety and the myriad stress factors in my life. When I have a good run, I feel fantastic- like I could conquer any challenge. And this half-marathon has become comforting- I know it is there on my calendar. It gives me a goal to work towards. So a big part of me is really really disappointed to think that I might have to give up on my original goal, when there are still so many weeks of training left.

There’s another part of me, though, that doesn’t think it’s such a big deal to just stop running now until the cycle is over and the beta result is in. I don’t know if it’s the drugs, or the fact that af is here, so I’m crampy and bloaty and miserable, or if it’s because I changed seasons when I came home and I’m not used to the heat/humidity yet, or if I’m just so disheartened by the weight gain over the holiday that I figure I might as well chuck in the whole thing. Whatever it is, there is a part of me that thinks I should just stop trying to stay fit at this point, and that I should loll around until retrieval, engaging in emotional eating if I need to, and thumbing my nose at the consequences.

If this cycle works, and we end up pregnant, I’m sure I won’t care if I gained weight or loss muscle tone/cardiovascular fitness over the course of the IVF. It will all just get added to the inevitable baby weight, and I will try to reset the scales once bub arrives.

But if the cycle doesn’t work, and I did spend most of it lolling around, I’m afraid of the level of self-recrimination I’m going to experience if I gain heaps of weight and just generally become squdgy and unfit. I have a body type that tones up quickly, but gets soft again just as quickly. I can look quite different without much change on the scale.

I am very much an “all or nothing” kind of gal- I do my best running when I am following a set training program. I am usually very fit and active, or very not fit (case in point: after the last half-marathon, I think I didn’t run more than three or four times for the entire fall). It is hard for me to find a balance. So I don’t think I’ll be able to just say to myself, “let’s just try to run a couple days a week for a short distance”, for example, and see how that goes. I would always be aware of what I SHOULD have been running for my schedule. And I don’t want to enter the half-marathon if my fitness base isn’t there, even if I say to myself that I’m not trying to beat my previous PB- that is how you get injured. If I’m on that starting line, I want to be prepared for the race.

I don’t want to add stress to this cycle by trying to maintain a running schedule for an event that I probably won’t even be able to run. But I also don’t want to hate what I see in the mirror come September if this cycle fails (which, let’s face it, is my current track record).

Any assvice on how to handle this is greatly appreciated.


Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medications, Running

last day

Took my last bcp this morning. Now we just have to hope that af hurries up and gets this show on the road.

I haven’t noticed any problems with the Lup.ron. Going back on the met.formin, however, has brought with it the usual tummy troubles during the first week of adjusting. I probably should have started taking it earlier to give myself more time to build up to the full dose, but I didn’t want to deal with it during our time away.

Had dinner last night with someone who is supportive of our efforts, and yet at the same time hates seeing the physical/emotional/mental wreck that I become during every cycle. Not sure what I can do to try to make all of this better- it is an awful process, it is very very hard on my body, and I can’t help the anxiety- it comes with the drugs. But I’m going to try to manage it all. I don’t want to be called “a shadow” or a “shell” of my former self again.

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Filed under Emotions, IVF, Medical issues