Oddities

Back at the beginning of December, I had a couple of days where I suddenly became worried I was pregnant (spoiler alert: I was not pregnant- there are no surprise pregnancy announcements in this blog post).

I didn’t have any specific reasons for thinking this, although admittedly Q. and I have yet to take permanent steps, even though we know we’re done at two kids (and so grateful to have them both).

I just felt off.

So I freaked out and bought a double pack of pregnancy tests and when they both came back negative I chastised myself for wasting money buying pregnancy tests and then I forgot about the whole issue.

About two weeks later, my period turned up.

This was a relatively big deal, since there’d been no sign of it since P. was born and it had been AWOL for most of my adult life, with the notable exception of those months in the summer of 2015 where I followed the diet that brought us P.

I filed it away as “very interesting but probably not worth investigating in much detail”. P. was still nursing frequently (including a feed around 5 a.m. every night). I was eating dairy and carbs and making no effort whatsoever to follow the diet that had normalized my cycle in 2015. I figured it was breakthrough bleeding (even though I never had it with E.) and resolved to have another conversation with Q. about family planning just in case it was more than that.

Jump forward a month. I AGAIN thought I was pregnant and, since this would have been two weeks after the two week mark after my period turned up, there was the VERY SLIGHT possibility that this could be true. (And by slight, I mean practically non-existent, but I am a worrier.)

I just felt off, in the same way as I had six weeks earlier. Bloated, crampy, feeling like I had a rock in my stomach.

I bought more pregnancy tests, which were negative again, and again chastised myself for wasting the money and again resolved to try to convince Q. that we should do something permanent about the whole thing (we are currently at an impasse where I think Q. should be the one to do something permanent given everything I’ve gone through and he doesn’t want to take that permanent step).

I texted labmonkey: “I am starting to think I am ovulating whenever I freak out and think I am pregnant. Guess I will see what happens in a couple of weeks.”

Turns out I was right, because exactly two weeks later my period turned up.

I am still nursing P. about as frequently as I was before.

I am still eating dairy.

I am still eating carbs and making no effort whatsoever to eat more protein.

I am, in short, doing none of the things that were responsible for my “masquerading as normal” cycle in 2015, and yet my body appears to be regulating itself.

I am both impressed (go body!) and annoyed (seriously?! you figure all of this out NOW?!). I can’t wish my body had figured this out earlier, because then I wouldn’t have my children (I might have children, but they wouldn’t be the two specific children who live in my house now). But at the same time it’s more than a little frustrating that my body seems to be doing its best to become ‘normal’ at the point in my life where I really would prefer not to be pregnant, after years and years of not being pregnant and wanting desperately for it to be otherwise.

I had intentions of cutting out dairy for the next couple of weeks to see if that would move ovulation up earlier in the cycle, but Q. and I went out for our January date lunch today and burrata was on the menu, so that clearly wasn’t happening. I can’t chart because my wake up times are still all over the map thanks to P., as I usually can’t get back to sleep once I’ve got up to nurse her.

I guess I’ll wait and see what happens in a month or so.

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4 Comments

Filed under Cycle Madness, Food, PCOS

4 responses to “Oddities

  1. I’m clearly not a person who has any say in this decision at all, but.
    Q should be the one to take permanent steps to alleviate chemical or physical barriers to conception if you are taking permanent steps. It is a minor surgery in comparison. It is reversible should it somehow come to that, whereas tube tying is not. You have already been through several fertility related surgeries, so it is his turn. I would be outraged that this is even a discussion in my house (though not clear that Q thinks it should be you, just that he’d rather not, which isn’t the same thing).
    Perhaps he will wrap his head around it faster with a cycle reestablished and a genuine need to prevent conception, but that you are already taking tests and worrying speaks to a current need regardless of whether you continue to cycle (fingers crossed!) or not. At very least, you have spent many many years and thousands of hours tracking your cycle and worrying about conception windows, and you deserve the freedom of not thinking about it. If Q had a vasectomy, you would not think about taking your temperature in the mornings to track your cycle (I think? Maybe you would anyway?). His hesitation is putting a mental burden and responsibility on your shoulders and that is irresponsible of him. Q is anything but irresponsible, so I wonder if he hasn’t thought about this from your perspective yet.

  2. nonsequiturchica

    I agree with labmonkey and I had the same conversation with my husband recently. We have been through so much between both trying to get pregnant and then going through pregnancy that it is totally on the men to get snipped.

  3. Turia

    It’s not that straightforward. Q. doesn’t want me to have a tubal ligation- he knows it’s a more serious surgery. He doesn’t feel ready to take permanent steps- he would be happy to either use hormonal methods or (if I don’t want to use hormonal methods) barrier methods for which he is entirely responsible.

    I don’t think it’s fair to pressure him into doing something permanent that he’s not yet ready to do because I want to be permanently done and I find barrier methods annoying.

    The worrying was caused by us not being as careful as we should have been with the methods we were using, and we had a talk about that.

    I don’t know what his full concerns are about permanent steps, whether he is just not ready, or doesn’t think it is necessary, or whether he has some deep underlying issue with the process. Right now it’s clear that he is willing to take appropriate steps to be responsible and isn’t ready to take more permanent steps and I respect that.

  4. Ah, ok, it wasn’t clear that Q was going to take on the burden of prevention from your post. If he’s shouldering the responsibility then most of my concerns dissipate.

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