Tipping Point

I am hitting a wall over here.

  • P cut back her nursing about a month ago and I immediately gained a bunch of weight. It’s not a large amount in the grand scheme of things but it’s enough that some of my clothes don’t fit as well as they should. I have an equilibrium weight that my body likes to sit at and I’ve strayed far enough away from it now that I feel even more sluggish and tired than I would from the sleep deprivation alone.
  • The last time I had my hair cut was back in August, a “get ready for the funeral” haircut. That was also the last time I had my eyebrows tidied up.
  • I have yet to do any form of exercise beyond chasing my children around and walking E. to and from school.
  • I need to go to the dentist. I normally go every three months because my gums are problematic but my long-time hygienist had a baby in February and is on maternity leave and I haven’t made the phone call to change to the dentist closer to our house where both Q. and E. go. I also can’t remember when I last had x-rays done and I’m worried my teeth are full of cavities because P. sucked out all the calcium.
  • I started eating dairy again because P. seems to be able to tolerate it in my diet now and as soon as I had any real milk my face broke out. This coincided with the drop in nursing and the weight gain so there might be a larger hormonal shift happening as well.
  • It’s really starting to be spring outside which means I’m not swathed in my usual winter jacket and sometimes P. is eating sand on the ground at the park which means I don’t have her in the carrier, and I need to stop turning up in ancient yoga pants and an ill-fitting sweater (especially since the last time I did that we ran into E’s best friend and ended up having a spontaneous pizza dinner at their house with two other kids and their mothers, whom I’d never met before, and who were appropriately dressed in skinny jeans and flattering tops and cardigans).

I don’t feel good about myself.

I feel fat and ugly and tired and old (and really, only one of those is true).

I hit the same wall with E. at about the same point. There’s something about the nine month mark, where you realize that your baby has now been out of your body for longer than s/he was ever inside and that s/he’s closing in fast on that first birthday, that makes me take a step back out of the chaos and take a good, hard look at myself. (And yes, P. is ten months now, but this post has been percolating for a few weeks. See the above comment about chaos.)

With E. I joined a boot camp with two of my mum friends.

Right now I’m just desperate to make some time to run. I want to start the Couch to 5K (again, sigh). I know I need to start from the very beginning.

I miss running. It is good for my body, obviously, but it’s also really good for my mind. Nothing else has ever helped as much to manage my anxiety.

I need three sessions a week.

One can be on Friday afternoons when Q. takes the kids.

One can be on Sundays at some time that works.

And then the third needs to fall on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Mornings are out. P. is totally unpredictable with when she wakes up (except this week it’s been 5:30 a.m. or thereabouts every morning, which is really getting tiresome).

Daytime is out, as I sold the jogging stroller I bought (and NEVER USED) when E. was a baby.

But it’s light enough now that I think I could get P. to bed at 6:30 p.m. and then go for a run while E. and Q. were eating dinner. I’d have to eat dinner after them, and Q. would need to put E. to bed that night (it’s not that he would mind, more that we’re in a rut where E. fights tooth and nail if his father does anything- he wants me to do it all), but it could work.

I need to make some space for me.

Anyone else in the same boat?


Filed under Butter scraped over too much bread (a.k.a. modern motherhood), Choose Happiness, Mirror, Mirror (Body Image), Running

4 responses to “Tipping Point

  1. I felt that same way between 9-12 months after both of my (successful) pregnancies! There must be a hormonal shift around that time. With C I started couch 2 5k for the first time ever – and it made me feel so much better as I had never ever been a runner before. With the boys I continued to feel bloated and fat through the holidays but Jan 1 I started a Whole30 and I’ve lost 30 lbs since then, also I started lifting weights for the first time ever and I am totally addicted.

    Definitely make time for yourself to run, and sneak off and get your hair cut, eyebrows done etc……it’s time to take some time for yourself Momma!

  2. If it is a larger hormonal shift, the dairy probably isn’t helping; PCOS and dairy being such poor bedfellows. Which I understand is a crappy thing to contemplate, as I am in the throes of a non-dairy existence too.
    Take a hard look at P and at you, and see if a used jogging stroller might be an alternate solution (or a flexibility addition)? P is not E, and seems happier in the stroller than he ever was. Maybe you can tell you won’t use it this time, but if you think you would and it would help get into a groove, it might be worth revisiting.
    Did you know that many gyms have child care? GoodLife does. A gym membership as a sanity saver for you and child care to boot is pretty economical (especially for when inevitably it is colder out again).

  3. Jill

    Yes! I hit rock bottom in February and started working out and eating healthier! But….life is getting in the way again and I’m feeling all those things you said….fat, ugly, tired, and old. I need to force “me time” and I do t always want to use that time to workout….but I feel better about myself when I di

  4. nonsequiturchica

    YES! Wes is now 9.5 months and right around the 9 mo mark I was like, okay there is no more pussy-footing around. It’s time to buckle down and lose some of this weight! I have started Betty Rocker’s 30 day challenge (saw it on FB- it’s only 15 min/day) and went for my first run in a few months this past weekend (a 5k after not running in a few months has meant some major soreness).

    Make some time for yourself to get your hair cut, get your eyebrows done, and exercise. It will make you a better mom!

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