I am struggling a little bit right now.

It’s a combination of a whole bunch of things:

  • As I said in my last post, introducing P to food hasn’t gone all that smoothly. It’s been a stressful couple of weeks.
  • Adding in pumping sessions when P naps has been great for my supply and helpful in terms of always having milk for her oatmeal, but it’s eaten into my ability to do anything else. There are a few things I can do while pumping but many more things that I can’t.
  • P is back to consistently getting up twice a night- usually around 11:30 and then again around 3:30 or 4:00. This is fine, especially when it means she goes back to sleep until 6:30 or so rather than waking up for the day before 6:00, but I’m realizing that the shorter stretches of sleep are starting to wear me down. I’m getting enough total sleep but not a long enough stretch to feel refreshed.
  • I had been worried about P because she has a very dominant hand. I first noticed this ages ago but it became really obvious when she started army crawling. She does all of her reaching/pulling with her right hand and the left arm is just dragged. She also doesn’t splash with the left arm in the bath, prefers to reach with her right, only bangs objects held in the right hand, etc. She can use the left but the disparity is very obvious. We had a head ultrasound, which came back clear, and the neurologist squeezed us in yesterday to get a look at P. He can see the asymmetry but didn’t feel it needed further investigation at this point. In his words, “She looks too good to have had a stroke.” Huge relief, but until yesterday it had been taking up a lot of mental energy.
  • E is still struggling with going to school. He would be a perfect candidate for homeschooling were it not for the fact that I would go crazy. He has made a friend, which is wonderful, but we still have a LONG way to go. His inflexibility at school and at home can be both problematic and exhausting. Q. had to drop him at school the other day because I had to take P to the hospital for her scans and it was a huge issue. Being on mat leave has not been good for him because he’s now accustomed to me being around to do everything.
  • My mother is doing something that I think is hasty, ill-advised, and foolish. I don’t have the mental space or energy to worry about her but it is impossible not to.
  • The weather sucks. Grey, grey, grey, day after day. It is not cold, which is good for getting out with P on the school run, but the parks are a sea of mud and there is no snow at all for E. I badly miss the sunlight.

I am not sure where January went (other than nursing, pumping, feeding). There are so many things I should be doing and they all just seem to be too hard right now. I don’t even know what I’ve been doing in the evenings between when I get E. in bed and when I go to bed myself.

Q. had a birthday this week, a major milestone one, and I really dropped the ball on being ready for it.

I have to submit paperwork to the university to keep my place in line for teaching contracts for the next academic year. I’ve been meaning to sort this out for three weeks and still haven’t done it.

I have a bunch of friends and family I should email and/or Skype and I haven’t found the energy to do that either.

I want to write P’s seven month letter but haven’t started it.

I’ve been focused on my baby, but there are other people who need me too.

I’m tired and I’m worried and I feel like I’ve been both those things for months and months and months and I just don’t know when that’s going to change.


Filed under Butter scraped over too much bread (a.k.a. modern motherhood), My addled brain

6 responses to “Grey

  1. Abiding with you and sending hugs from thousands of miles away. Keeping your family
    In my prayers.

  2. Beth

    I am feeling a lot of this right now as well. My daughter really struggles with going to school and transitions. Lots of separation anxiety. We have been taking her to see a therapist which has helped tremendously. Not sure if that is something you would be open to, or even able to do, but I thought I’d throw it out there. The other thing we did was have her vitamin D levels checked and found they were wildly low. Also helped to improve her mood when we supplemented. Feel free to be ignore my thoughts of course. 😉 I hope it gets better soon.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling so frazzled. I have so much empathy (or sympathy, or both, I never remember). Needless to say I also am dropping the ball in some areas. Thinking of you from across the sea!

  4. Turia

    Beth, we’ve actually had E. referred to a program for anxiety at the Children’s Hospital in our city. We’re hoping that might help. He gets 800 iu of Vitamin D a day, so I’d be surprised if he’s deficient.

  5. Beth

    Oh, I hope it helps. Though she still has a ways to go, getting her treatment for anxiety has been so positive for my daughter and our family as a whole. Hoping you and E can get some solid strategies to help cope.

  6. I somehow missed this post. I’m sorry you’re struggling :(. I hope things have improved in the last few weeks.
    I have a friend whose daughter had a brachial plexus injury at birth and it caused her to have trouble using the arm/hand on that side. I’m not trying to play armchair MD, but just thought I’d throw it out there in case no one had brought up potential structural causes.

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