The only present I wanted

How far along? Fifteen weeks!

Vital stats? Nothing to report on my end, but the baby is now apparently the size of a navel orange. I had told E. I thought the baby would be around the size of a very large tomato by the time he came back to Canada (when I’ll be seventeen weeks)- I’m realizing now that was probably a significant understatement.

How am I looking? I had to go up to work on Tuesday to sort out a bunch of administrative tasks before the new semester. I’m not ready to have a conversation about the pregnancy with my chair (because I need to talk to the union representative and understand what my maternity leave options are first). I wasn’t expecting he would be in, but I knew I’d see all the secretaries, so I squeezed myself into regular jeans and a baggy sweater. And then, of course, not only was my chair in his office, but he asked me in for a chat about a grant I’m going to apply for in January. I think it was fine- I didn’t see any of the secretaries giving me any double takes, and I haven’t been up there at all this semester, so they probably just assumed I’ve gained some weight.

The weird thing was I’d been wearing maternity jeans for less than a week. My other jeans fit a week ago, but they really did not fit on Tuesday. I’d had this idea I’d be able to hide the pregnancy from my students until after the anatomy scan at the very end of January, but I no longer think that’s likely to happen because I really popped. Both my sisters commented on it.

I think I took my first belly pic at 15w4d with E., so I will need to take one soon for comparison. There’s no comparison really- I am huge compared to last time around.

Yesterday I had a regular shirt on that I’d packed to bring home because it had still been fitting quite well. It still fits, but I’m going to need to put it away soon so I don’t stretch it out. The belly is a completely different beast than it was two weeks ago.

How am I feeling physically? Mostly fine. I am making more of an effort to spend a significant part of each day with my feet up to try to make sure my veins don’t become an issue (they’re currently not an issue at all- I’d just like them to stay that way). I’ve had a fair amount of round ligament pain this week, and I keep catching myself making noises when I’m doing simple things like standing up or bending over, so I guess I feel everything’s taking a little bit more of an effort.

The big change this week, which happened literally overnight, is I now have to pee all.the.time. I’m waking up at night because I have to use the bathroom, and I’m fighting the urge to head back in there all day long. Clearly the baby has taken up residence on my bladder.

I am getting a touch of heartburn in the evenings (mostly if I lie too flat after dinner to get my feet up) and if I try to eat my usual amount at any given meal I feel very very full afterwards. Christmas dinner was a bit of a mess (I should not have gone back for seconds of mashed potato but I just love it so much). Today the plan is to just eat leftovers, so I’m going to try to restrain myself.

How am I feeling emotionally? As good as I can. I went for a good, long walk with my mum yesterday and had a good, long natter about the baby (and other things- this is one of the advantages of being home without E. – I can have lengthy conversations with my mum!). Every day we move forward is a good day, but I’m not going to be completely at ease until this baby is born. For some reason it seems easier once the baby is on the outside. I guess it’s because then I have the illusion that I’m in control and I can protect him/her. I still worry about E. a lot, but it’s different from the worry I felt when I was pregnant with him. But I know that I carried him successfully, and there is every reason to think I can do it again.

Pregnancy, for me, is really about one long series of checkpoints. Next I have the bloodwork at 16 weeks to finish the IPS screening, and then it’s the anatomy scan, and then it’s 24 weeks and viability, and then it’s the third trimester, etc. etc. I am trying to take things one day at a time and remember to enjoy the moments, but in the back of my mind there is always the countdown.

I feel guilty about being pregnant because I’m home with labmonkey and Pea and she is not pregnant but she should be, and even though I know she is happy for me, and she knows that I know this, I still find it hard, particularly because I am really obviously pregnant now.

I have seen a couple of movies while I’ve been home alone (The Martian and Star Wars: The Force Awakens in the theatre and a few more at home that I picked up at the library) and the end result is I think I just should not watch movies while pregnant. I am a crier at the best of times but right now it is just ridiculous.

Movement? Yes! I am 99% positive that earlier this week, when I was still at home, I felt the baby three evenings in a row while I was just hanging out on the couch after dinner. Nothing since then, but I think that’s because the baby has shifted lower and is now using my bladder as a trampoline. This is much earlier than with E. (I suspected at nineteen weeks but wasn’t sure until twenty.) With E. it felt at first like a centipede was skittering around inside, but this felt more like gentle tapping.

How does it compare with E.’s pregnancy? At fifteen weeks last time around I wrote:

Still pudgy rather than pregnant, but the bump is getting larger. Uterus continues to climb upwards.

Not really the case now- I don’t think there’s any real doubt about what’s going on if I’m wearing a maternity shirt.

I was also refusing to wear maternity clothes last time, even though I didn’t think very much fit in my closet. Not this time! I’m very aware I will never be wearing them again, so I’m trying to get as much use out of them as possible.

Last time around it was around this stage where I needed new bras. I am starting to head in that direction now, but the ones I bought during E.’s pregnancy look really really big to me at the moment.

I need to do more exercise. By this stage in E.’s pregnancy I was using our exercise bike and I was about to start prenatal yoga. Now that I know my teaching schedule I should look for a prenatal yoga class as I really did enjoy it.

On my mind? Maternity clothes. I need more work clothes as I’m teaching three days a week this year, and I was only teaching one day a week when I was pregnant with E. One class I see two out of the three days, so I was very conscious that owning two pairs of work pants was probably not going to cut it. I bought two dresses from Old Navy on the 21st (they were both 50% off) that I think are work appropriate (I brought one home with me so my sister could vet it, but I didn’t have room in my bag for both). I also really want to buy a pair of skinny jeans, as I’m a bit bored with my jeans from last time, but I can’t rationalize spending money on something I’m only going to wear for six months or so. H&M also had the most adorable grey sweater, but again, I’m not convinced I really *need* it. I know I’m going to need to get a few t-shirts when the warm weather comes, as I only have one short-sleeved shirt in my closet. I was hoping to get some from my friends but they’ve all done too good of a job of getting them out the house after the last baby.

Sleep? I was going to delete this category because I thought it was so pointless, and then my sleep this week started getting disrupted. I’ve been up two nights in a row because I have to use the ‘loo, and I keep waking up after very very strange dreams. Luckily I’m not having any trouble going back to sleep afterwards (I woke up this morning at 3:45 a.m. to use the ‘loo and then at 7 because a dream was freaking me out, and then I went back to sleep until 8 when another weird dream woke me up and at that point I just got up). I’m also starting to have some trouble finding a really comfortable position.

I’m also not afraid to admit that I’m sleeping with my favourite stuffed animal- a cougar I’ve had since I was 2.5. He returned to the bed as soon as Q. left, and I brought him with me when I came home for the holidays. He makes the bed less lonely.

Best moment? Feeling movement.

This isn’t pregnancy related, but I also had a lot of fun travelling home. I took the train part of the way with my youngest sister and then we were picked up by my other sister and her fiance and we all drove the rest of the way together. It’s pretty rare for us all to be in one place, so the car was full of silly energy for most of the drive. I’m so excited labmonkey and Pea are going to be so close to us!

Other stuff? It was Christmas this week and although I’m very glad to be seeing my parents and my sisters and assorted extended family (including my 91-year-old grandmother who came out of her house for dinner on both Christmas Eve and Christmas, which is amazing), it has been weird. E. got his new Christmas pjs on Christmas morning, not Christmas Eve, which upset me far more than it really should, because I don’t think he cared and he’s certainly not big enough to understand how the tradition works. But I think it just drove home that we’re not together. He’s having a lovely time and he’s generally being fairly easy going (or as easy going as E. gets), which means Q. is having a nice time too. And thanks to Skype we can chat almost every day and I’ve been telling E. stories like I do at home.

I miss them a lot.

I found the lead up to Christmas much less stressful than in previous years (except for the whole Q. and E. overseas thing) because I convinced my family not to exchange Christmas presents with Q. and me (E. still gets presents). And I was really happy on Christmas morning just watching my family open their gifts (although my youngest sister completely disregarded what I’d said and got me this lovely cozy fleecy because she decided I would feel weird not having presents when I wasn’t at my own house).

I just keep thinking about last Christmas, and how sad I was at the end of 2014. When my sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I could only think of two things:

I want a job that will challenge my brain that I can mostly do during school hours.

I want another baby.

At the time, I didn’t think I would ever have either.

Right now, at this moment, it looks like in 2016 that maybe, just maybe I will have both.

And that is all the present I could ever ask for.




Filed under Me? Pregnant?!, Week-by-week

3 responses to “The only present I wanted

  1. Happy holidays hun! Sometimes wishes do come true. 🙂

  2. Marianne

    Oh I’m so happy you’re on the way to getting both wishes, you so deserve it. xxxx

  3. rainbowgoblin

    I don’t mean to encourage you to buy maternity wear you don’t need, but… Jeanswest makes terrific skinny maternity jeans. Maybe get Q to pick you up a pair if Aussie prices don’t seem too outrageous? They’ll probably have a post-Christmas sale, and holiday money doesn’t really count.

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