Resolutions

I’m not normally one for New Year’s resolutions.

Partly I don’t like to paint myself into a corner.

Mostly, though, it’s related to my ambivalence towards the whole New Year thing generally.

MY new year has always, always started in September, when the new school year begins. I said this about it, back in September 2009:

First up, a confession. I LOVE September. I love the crispness in the air that comes at the end of the month, and the long, languid, golden twilights that come before in the Indian summer. I love the first blush of bronze and russet on the trees. I love that it is the start of a new year for me. Logically, I know that the calendar turns over in January. But my life is tied to the waxing and waning of the school year. Case in point: since I first started kindergarten, there has been exactly ONE September where I wasn’t in school, either as a student, as a teacher, or both.

September 2014 was different.

I wasn’t teaching.

I was technically still a student, but I was just about to submit the final copy of my dissertation, so I had no reason to be on campus.

We didn’t have the baby who was supposed to be due that month.

It didn’t feel like a new beginning.

Which makes me wonder if maybe this new year will be different.

2014 was, after all, a year of endings for me.

Maybe 2015 will be a fresh start.

I’m still not making resolutions.

I don’t want to paint myself into a corner, and I don’t yet have any idea where my life is now going.

But I am resolved to try to grow comfortable with that uncertainty, to sit with it, to embrace it.

I am resolved not to rush into a job.

I am resolved to enjoy this time with my son.

By September, when E. starts JK, I want to have found some sort of paid employment that I can do during school hours.

I am hoping to have some idea of what I might like to do on a more full-time basis when he gets a bit older.

I have some ideas already, of course, but they are still only half-formed.

I have a lot of freedom.

It’s not as scary as it was a couple of months ago.

So. If 2014 was a year of endings, may 2015 be a year of exploration.

And maybe, just maybe, acceptance.

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5 Comments

Filed under A (Good) Day's Work, Anxiety Overload, Butter scraped over too much bread (a.k.a. modern motherhood), Life after the PhD, Three's Company, Who am I really? (Career Angst)

5 responses to “Resolutions

  1. Oh exploration and acceptance sounds great to me.

    Thanks for always listening to me vent, friend.

    Xx

  2. A.

    I have been thinking of you since re-reading your Creme de la Creme submission. I do hope 2015 is a breath of fresh air. Xo

  3. It sounds refreshing, and dare I say, exciting.

    I am right there with you. I had a very odd fight/conversation with my husband this weekend that made me reconsider everything. Maybe it’s time to let go and just live.

    May this new year be full of good surprises for you! xo

  4. A year of exploration sounds just perfect. I have to admit- I’m a little jealous of all that freedom, and the anticipation of what might be around the corner. I wish you nothing but the best for this new year!

  5. Pingback: Work Matters | Res Cogitatae

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