I’m not normally one for New Year’s resolutions.
Partly I don’t like to paint myself into a corner.
Mostly, though, it’s related to my ambivalence towards the whole New Year thing generally.
MY new year has always, always started in September, when the new school year begins. I said this about it, back in September 2009:
First up, a confession. I LOVE September. I love the crispness in the air that comes at the end of the month, and the long, languid, golden twilights that come before in the Indian summer. I love the first blush of bronze and russet on the trees. I love that it is the start of a new year for me. Logically, I know that the calendar turns over in January. But my life is tied to the waxing and waning of the school year. Case in point: since I first started kindergarten, there has been exactly ONE September where I wasn’t in school, either as a student, as a teacher, or both.
September 2014 was different.
I wasn’t teaching.
I was technically still a student, but I was just about to submit the final copy of my dissertation, so I had no reason to be on campus.
We didn’t have the baby who was supposed to be due that month.
It didn’t feel like a new beginning.
Which makes me wonder if maybe this new year will be different.
2014 was, after all, a year of endings for me.
Maybe 2015 will be a fresh start.
I’m still not making resolutions.
I don’t want to paint myself into a corner, and I don’t yet have any idea where my life is now going.
But I am resolved to try to grow comfortable with that uncertainty, to sit with it, to embrace it.
I am resolved not to rush into a job.
I am resolved to enjoy this time with my son.
By September, when E. starts JK, I want to have found some sort of paid employment that I can do during school hours.
I am hoping to have some idea of what I might like to do on a more full-time basis when he gets a bit older.
I have some ideas already, of course, but they are still only half-formed.
I have a lot of freedom.
It’s not as scary as it was a couple of months ago.
So. If 2014 was a year of endings, may 2015 be a year of exploration.
And maybe, just maybe, acceptance.