Waging an inner war

There is a pot of money sitting in our high-interest savings account.

On the spreadsheet where I keep track of things, it’s labelled as “short-term savings”.

It’s not our emergency fund.

It’s not the bit of money we were given by Q.’s mother earlier in the year (which is sitting in the HISA until we figure out what we are going to do with it).

It’s our miscellaneous money.

Here’s what we’ve been thinking of using it for:

  • top up our TFSA, RRSP and RESP savings to make up some of the shortfall we’re now building because I’m not working
  • put it towards a cottage vacation next year
  • finish the landscaping in the side/back yard so it will actually be a space we want to use
  • help offset the cost of demolishing our ridiculous shed and replacing it with a smaller option (a part of the side/back yard project that Q. thinks he can do himself)

All good things that would benefit the family we do have.

I will give you all one guess as to what I currently want to use it for.


I don’t know how to reconcile my heart and my head.

Logically I can appreciate that it makes no sense whatsoever to cycle again.

It would be, at the very least, financially irresponsible.

Q. and I are not financially irresponsible people.

But my inner voice just won’t let it go.

It argues that when it comes to long-protocol fresh IVF cycles where we transfer two blastocysts, we have a decent strike rate.

Four blasts transferred.

Three implanted.

Two turned into embryos.

Admittedly, we’re not doing so well with the final outcome as only one of the four ever became a baby that we brought home, but that’s not to say that the next cycle wouldn’t be successful.

Or so my inner voice argues.

I have no idea how to shut her up.


There is only one positive coming out of this entire experience.

For once in my life, I am not eating my feelings.

It’s like my body has finally realized that no amount of chocolate cake is going to make this better.


Filed under Anxiety Overload, Grief, Lonely Onlies?, Loss, Mirror, Mirror (Body Image), Money Matters, Second Thoughts

4 responses to “Waging an inner war

  1. And that’s the thing about hope… There might be a successful cycle in the future. What you need to weigh is whether you can handle the emotional cost of it working or not working.

    It’s okay if you’re not done. It’s okay if you’re not ready to be done. It’s okay if you take that money and apply it towards another IVF cycle. There’s no wrong answer here. It’s just about what you can handle as a couple, as a family. And we are here for you no matter what you decide.

    Hugs. This stuff is not at all easy.

  2. I agree with Serenity above when she says that it’s okay if you’re not done. If you don’t have peace with not trying one more time, then go for it! If the landscaping can wait, the cottage vacation can be put on hold, etc., then go with that inner feeling you have to possibly try one more time. Praying for you and asking that you have wisdom, peace and clarity on the next steps forward. xo

  3. I think this is a really tough spot. I also think it’s not the right moment to decide what to do with that money: your next few weeks will be slowly focusing more on the dissertation and your defense, and then Christmas arrives with all its events and travel and accompanying stressors. This current end to treatments is very new, and very raw, and you have another significant source of stress in your life still. I think it might make sense to shelve this until you are through December, and then examine how you feel. I know it would feel better to make a decision and have a plan right now, but I don’t know that it is the right time to make those choices. I also think you need to take some time to grieve the cycles that did not work, and the emotional upheaval of this process properly and at least somewhat fully: otherwise you carry that burden with you into whatever comes next.
    I would take a little time. In some ways running into another cycle is the easy way out, and that’s not a good reason to do one. I don’t know what the right answer for you and Q will be, but whatever you choose, I will be here.

  4. I have nothing wise to impart here. I’m considering going broke by somehow raising $75k to have someone else carry my baby. Maybe fast forward to 10 years from now…if you used the money for another cycle and it worked, obviously you’d be thrilled…if it didn’t work, would you be glad you tried? Regretful you didn’t? Or would you be able to believe that it was the prudent thing to do? Etc.

    Interesting you say that about the emotional eating — I had the exact same epiphany last week and have been steadily losing more weight. It feels good.

    On another, completely separate note, Birchbox is now in Canada, and if you remotely like beauty products and haven’t signed up already, do it now. For me, no matter how bad my day is, seeing that little box in my mailbox is guaranteed to perk me up. xo

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