I am in a slump.

I don’t know if anyone else gets like this, but I always hit a point where I am unfit enough and tired enough and stressed enough that it just seems impossible to imagine that I could change things.

When you are unfit, it is SO hard to actually break the routine of being unfit and start to (re)set new, better habits.

I gained quite a lot of weight while away down under. Enough that I sailed right past my usual “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!” alarm bells marker and hit a weight I haven’t been (barring pregnancy) for more than seven years.

I need to buy new clothes desperately, but I won’t buy them because I’m carrying more weight than I should be. So instead I am barely managing to dress myself (really- I do not have a pair of shorts that actually fit other than athletic shorts and my only pair of capris were bought in 2008 and are faded and also do not fit very well).

My face is better than it was, but it’s still not great, especially when I’m on the week between packs of bcps, but I’m struggling with the whole foundation thing because it’s summer and it’s hot, and how do you put on sunscreen if you are dealing with foundation, and why does it matter because I’m dressed like a slob and carrying too much weight around?

I need to get my hair cut, but I can’t see the point of doing that when I am carrying around this weight and my face is a mess that I can’t be bothered to cover up, and I’m grocery shopping in clothes that a year ago I had strict rules about not wearing outside of the house.

And so it spirals.

I feel like an absolute mess right now.

The saving grace is that when I realized how much weight I had gained while on vacation, my first thought was, “That’s not me.”

I’ve written on here before about the body image problems I have. How I always see the fat girl that I used to be, even when running and infertility and anxiety had whittled me down to a frankly unsustainable and probably unhealthy weight.

I have an unbelievably skewed self-image.

So it came as a bit of a shock to realize that somewhere along the line my image of my self has changed.

I think of myself as a runner.

In a way, this self-image is as skewed as my old one. I only ran regularly for a couple of years. I only ran seriously for a bit over a year. I haven’t run- regularly or seriously- since getting pregnant with E. four years ago this month.

But I still think of myself as a runner.

My goal for the fall is to find a way to make that image of my self a true one again.

I know how hard the first weeks will be.

I know how hard my inner critic is going to work trying to convince me that there’s no reason to do this because I’m not any good at it and I’m such a mess anyway it won’t make a difference.

I know how hard it’s going to be to set an alarm and actually get out of bed when it goes off.

But I also know I can do this.

I’m tired of being a mess.



Filed under Butter scraped over too much bread (a.k.a. modern motherhood), Mirror, Mirror (Body Image), Running

4 responses to “Reset

  1. I do: I do get into these slumps. They are awful. I was in a pretty solid one two months ago. The best way out is to stop rationalizing and stop postponing, even though it seems ridiculously hard. Go get your hair cut! That is easy, and will make you feel a bit more normal/pampered. Then go buy two pieces of clothing that actually really fit you, as you are right now. Don’t spend a lot of money, but go get one pair of pants and one pair of shorts that fit. You will look immeasurably better in them than in either your too-small-for-now or too-old clothing, and you will feel better for it. Donate them when they don’t fit, or turn them into clothing you paint rooms in. Clothing is not meant to last for as long as it can possibly be eked out to last for, though that is how we were raised by both sets of parents and it is ingrained deeply. Your mental image is worth the $50 and 20 min it’ll cost at Joe Fresh to shore up your wardrobe for this interim time. It is not a waste to do this, I promise.

  2. I was going to say the same thing as labmonkey did. It’s good advice; take it!

    Also, with the running – start without a watch. Just go out and run, be kind to yourself initially, walk/run without any sort of ideas about pace. Just get out there. If you take it slow enough, it won’t suck, and you’ll feel better for having gotten out, and believe it or not, it comes back quicker than you think it would. And it will help you enormously in FEELING better about yourself. Hard to feel like a mess when you’ve gone out for a half hour run, you know?


  3. Turia

    All right. I have at least made an appointment to get my hair cut. Given I was in there getting E.’s hair cut I decided it was silly to keep him well kept but not devote any energy to myself.

    And I will get my shoes on. I will!

  4. Pingback: Reset Complete | Res Cogitatae

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