My ravens are less noisy now.

They don’t shout at me quite so often.

I don’t catch them speaking through my mouth as frequently.

They’re still perched there, black, hunched, brooding.

But they’ve had to be quiet. It was too exhausting otherwise.

Most days now, I am ok.

Most days I do not cry.

Most days I do not think about what might have been.

But when the reminders come, the pain resurfaces.

We had lunch with friends while we were in Oz. They have a daughter a year younger than E. They’re due again in September.

They’re due when we should have been.

The woman on my birth club, the only one of the three of us who didn’t lose her September baby, posted a selfie the other day. She was giant and glowing.

I logged out and remembered why I had stayed away from the birth club for so long.

I feel like I am ok, like I am coming to terms with things, like I am moving towards a place of acceptance of the fact that E. will, in all likelihood, be an only child.

And then I am forced to remember that it could have been otherwise, and I am reminded that, deep down, I’m not ok at all.


Filed under 2.0 Pregnancy, Anxiety Overload, Grief, Loss, Second Thoughts, Siblings

3 responses to “Adjustment

  1. I understand every word of your post.

    But I think that experiencing pain from time to time doesn’t mean we’re not ok. We can be ok and also feel that pain sometimes, because we wanted those babies.

    Because it may be our reality, I’m starting to see the many advantages there could be to having just one miracle baby. Life is really manageable and controllable. And we have lots of resources to devote to him. I hope you’re seeing more of those good points too. Having one child can be a way to experience all the joys of family life with less of the hassle, quite honestly!

  2. I hear you, Egg. I have a couple of posts on the idea of the only child that I just need a bit of time to get out, but it is certainly something we are moving slowly towards reconciling with and even embracing.

  3. I have been in a similar place recently as well. Love you girl.

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