The other shoe

I went to the clinic this morning for a routine ultrasound and an intralipid infusion.

I had an ultrasound.

Then I had a D&C.

There was no heartbeat.

There wasn’t really a baby anymore.

My doctor thinks it probably happened not long after I was last in there two weeks ago. He was completely devastated and just kept looking at my chart repeating, “I don’t understand how this could have happened. Everything was going so well.” He suggested (and I consented to) collecting some tissue for genetic testing to try to get some answers. He feels something must have been very very wrong with the baby for this to have happened.

I heard the news on my own. I had to call Q., who was wrangling E. (who isn’t at nursery school on Thursdays) to tell him.

I had the D&C on my own. Q. rented a Zipcar and came with E. to pick me up when it was all over.

We still haven’t figured out how we’re going to untell the pregnancy to E.

I didn’t make it to ten weeks, not really.

I probably didn’t even make it to nine weeks.

The baby might have died by the time we told our parents on that Skype-filled giddy Saturday.

The when of it doesn’t really matter, I guess.

All that matters is we’re not going to get to bring this baby home in September after all.


Filed under 2.0 Pregnancy, Grief, Loss

15 responses to “The other shoe

  1. Oh damn it. I am so very sorry. I haven’t connected often, but I’ve been keeping up w/ you. So very, very sorry and sending hugs to you three.

  2. ohmy gosh I am so sorry. I am devastated for you guys. Thinking of you. Sending hugs.

  3. Clare

    I am so so sorry. My stomach just dropped reading this and I just feel so devastated for you. (((Hugs)))

  4. Karen

    Oh my dear Turia I am so terribly sorry to hear of this devastating loss. I have no words. Please know that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this and that you gave your baby such love. I will be thinking of you and Q and E. My sincere condolences.

  5. Oh, Turia, I am so, so, so sorry. This is so awful and unfair and NOT RIGHT. I kept rereading thinking I must have misunderstood, because this is just not how it’s supposed to go. Much love beaming your way, and to Q and E also. I wish there were something I could do that would actually make it better.

  6. I’m so very sorry! I’m in shock! Wishing I could fix it all. Much love to you, Q, and E.

  7. Oh Turia. I had a hard time understanding what I was reading – I kept going back and rereading that there was no heartbeat and it just didn’t compute. How absolutely devastating…and unexpected…and unfair. I’m so sorry for you, friend. So, so sorry.

  8. Oh God I’m so very sorry. And to have to go through that all by yourself. It’s not fair and I’m so mad right now. Love you girl. Hold on tight to E.

  9. Oh, Turia. This sucks so, so much. I am so sorry. Sending lots of love to you, Q, and E.


  10. Oh no! I’m so incredibly sorry. It just isn’t fair. Sending lots of love to all of you. I so wish I could come for a visit, but I will be away for the next week. Please contact me if you need to talk, though- you know where to find me. Hugs.

  11. Melanie

    I’m speechless. I’m so so sorry. This is incredibly unfair.

  12. Em

    Oh Turia!! I am just heartsick about this. I read the first part of your post several times before it even set in. I couldn’t be more sorry.

  13. There are no words. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


  14. Nity

    Oh T, I’m so so sorry. Sending you lots of love and big hugs.

  15. Pingback: How do you measure a year in the life? | Res Cogitatae

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