I was too scared to start this at five weeks like I did with E’s pregnancy, since I’d only had the two good betas. I’m still scared, but I am determined to embrace this pregnancy for as long as it lasts. I was scared doing this with E. too, and everything worked out. Now those posts hold some of my best memories of the pregnancy, memories that I would have forgotten if I hadn’t written them down.
How far along? Six weeks.
How am I feeling physically? Nothing to complain about really. I get cramping most days. Some days are worse than others. The heavy/full feeling in my uterus is still there. My skin is still breaking out like crazy. It’s so bad I’m going to have to give in and start wearing makeup as otherwise I feel so hideous it’s hard to want to go out in public. I’ve had a very occasional moment of nausea, but that’s it. I am noticing that I get hungry between meals, and that when I get hungry, I get hungry FAST.
One odd thing I noticed this time around is my Fragmin bruising has been SO much better than it was with the FETs in the fall. With one of them in particular (I don’t remember if it was the first or the second) by the time of the beta my entire lower stomach was purple with bruises. It took weeks for them all to go away. This cycle, even though I was also doing Lupron (so more needles in the tummy), the bruising took longer to start up. I’m only just now starting to get green and purple patches, and I can still easily find unbruised skin each night- two weeks after I would have stopped if it had been negative. The PIO lumps/bruising has also been better this cycle, which again is weird because we had the added round of needles with stimming. I don’t know if we’re getting better with them, or if my body is just more resigned to the process, or what, but I’ll take it!
How am I feeling emotionally? Well, I’m currently three days out from the ultrasound so I’ve entered back into the anxiety stage of the first trimester roller coaster. Last night I had to forcibly stop myself googling random bad search terms like “blighted ovum” or “odds of miscarriage at six weeks”. I vascillate a lot. At times it feels really hard to be keeping this secret- I just want to tell everyone. And my past history is good- I’ve been pregnant once and I ended up with a baby. But on the other hand, since I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I don’t want to let myself think positively or make plans, because I’m still fully expecting something to go very very wrong. Frankly it’s exhausting coping with my brain right now.
How does it compare with E.’s pregnancy? Last time, at six weeks, I had this to say:
A heavy feeling (not cramping, just pressure) in my abdomen. No real nausea this week. Or bloat. Or constipation. Or exhaustion. Or always having to pee. Or sore bbs. Are we sure I’m pregnant?
That’s pretty much me in a nutshell right now, and reading that just made me feel a ton better because I’ve been sitting wondering when I’m going to feel ‘more’ pregnant even though I know it’s still very early. Every now and then I get some bloat, but most of the time it’s just the lower belly bulge from the Fragmin bruising.
On my mind: I’m trying to bring myself to participate in a September 2014 birth club. I love (love love!) my May 2011 birth club and there are some great second and third time mamas on there who always provide a useful perspective when we first time mamas are busy freaking out (which we sometimes still do even though our ‘babies’ are now over two and a half!). Plus one of my friends from E’s birth club is also pregnant (due two days after me), and she’s one of the admins for September. But it is HARD. There are some great mamas on there, and quite a few who have dealt with infertility or loss, but there are also a bunch of “my daughter is eight/ten/six/eleven months old, whoops!, tee-hee” women, and I don’t cope as well with them. Plus it is just frustrating to get posts like, “I’ve been feeling sick since Christmas when the embryo must have implanted!” (i.e. when she had NO HCG in her system to cause nausea). We’ll see. When the inevitable vaccination debate starts up that might be the deal breaker for me- I’ve already had to quit one online group (for mothers in my city) because I couldn’t handle constantly having to fight the pro-vaccination fight when other members just kept on posting links to outdated and blatantly false information.
Thinking way ahead, Q. and I have been talking about when we’re going to transition E. out of his crib (which we would be doing this spring anyway since he’ll be three- this pregnancy is not a factor with our timings). The only thing this pregnancy has changed is we’ll probably move him to a new room (which is currently my study) and give the baby his room, whereas if we weren’t pregnant we might have kept him in his current room (although it may actually be too small to fit a twin bed- I’ll have to do some measuring). E. and I were talking about moving to a bed a couple of nights ago and he told me that he wanted “a bed the same size as my crib. Not any bigger.” Umm. If we weren’t pregnant, we could rock the toddler bed, no problem. But if this sticks, we need that mattress for 2.0.
I’m also waiting to see when I can rationalize moving into maternity clothes. This probably sounds ridiculous, but the problem is I have almost no other clothes. I really needed to buy them, but I was refusing to do so all fall because a) I was going to be pregnant and b) if I wasn’t pregnant, I weighed more than I wanted to so I wasn’t buying clothes until I lost weight. If this sticks I can shelve this entire debate for another year or more, although I guess I’ll have to buy more maternity clothes since I’ll be pregnant through the summer, something I didn’t experience with E.
Sleep? I am so nervous about writing this down because that will inevitably mean it will all change, but my sleep right now is great. I don’t have the extreme first trimester fatigue that people talk about (and women on my birth club are complaining about already), but I’m also not dealing with my usual levels of insomnia. If I wake up at 3:30 or 4 a.m., and I stay in bed and toss and turn for a while, I GO BACK TO SLEEP! This is a huge change from the last three and a half years. My sleep has basically sucked since I got pregnant with E.- if I wake up in the wee hours, I’m up for the day- so this is honestly life changing. E. himself has been popping up at 12:30 a.m. for the last few nights, which is pretty unusual for him, and probably reflects the transition back to nursery school. Once he settles down again I’m sure I’ll feel more rested.
Best moment: A great third beta. I think I got at least three days without worrying from that beta.
Other stuff: I saw my endocrinologist last week. He always weighs me when I’m there, so I figured that would be a decent check in point as I haven’t weighed myself since before (Canadian) Thanksgiving. I last saw him at the end of November, so I was expecting a pretty big scale change. What I wasn’t expecting was for the IVF cycle, the protein/Gatorade/poutine diet to prevent OHSS post-retrieval, and then the annual week of holiday over-eating to result in a four pound weight loss! I’ll take it though- means I’m starting this pregnancy only six pounds heavier than I was with E. (although a LOT less fit). My blood pressure and resting heart rate are also higher than they were at the start with E., but again that’s because I sat on my ass all fall trying to stay relaxed so I could get pregnant rather than having been training for a half-marathon after eight months off from the clinic, which is what happened in 2010. I am hoping I will actually succeed in caring less about my weight than I did last time around because I’ve learned that a) if I eat well and stay active I don’t gain 85 pounds (I think I gained around 27 with E.- I wasn’t regularly weighing myself), and b) if I breastfeed, the weight comes right back off again. I was really obsessed with my weight and my body image last time around (not a surprise for me), and I’m hoping this time I can take a bit of a step back and let the anxiety go.
My endocrinologist boosted my synthroid to 0.112. My full drug regime is: Synthroid 0.112 1x/day; Metformin 500 mg 3x/day; Fragmin 2500mg 1x/day; Slow release Aspirin 1x/day; Prednisone 1x/day; Progesterone in oil shots 1x/day; Estrace 2x/day; Vitamin D 2000 iu 1x/day; Pre-natal vitamin 1x/day.
Up next: I have my first appointment with my primary midwife (the one who delivered E.) on Wednesday. I’ll only be 6w2d, so this strikes me as ridiculously early, especially since she won’t need to send me for a dating ultrasound, but I jumped on it, because there’s the possibility of course that there could be twins in there, in which case I suspect she won’t be allowed to keep me. I wanted the chance to see her, and I’m planning to take E. out of nursery school early so he can come too. And Thursday, of course, is the big ultrasound. I just want a clear result. Obviously a good one would be preferred, but if it’s going to be bad, I’d like it to be clearly bad. I hate limbo.