2.0 IVF 12dp5dt- One more day

Beta is tomorrow. It would have been today if we’d been home.

I thought about testing but decided against it. I don’t want to spend more money only to get one line. Plus I did a pretty good job of not thinking about it while we were away (except for the early mornings when I woke up before everyone else), and I didn’t want to wreck that. It was clever to put the tww over Christmas- I just wish I hadn’t stimmed so quickly that the tww started on the 20th and not the 23rd. I was pretty stressed over that weekend what with the major weather event and the frozen embryo report, and it was only on the 23rd, which I spent baking cookies with E., that I was able to consciously relax and just focus on Christmas.

Oh well. Maybe that was already too late. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

Nor can I do anything about the chair that I lifted on the second day after the transfer and carried upstairs so that we had a way for E. to climb into his crib by himself without me having to lift him. Q. weighed the chair afterwards, and it was just under my clinic’s magic twenty pound weight restriction, but I had nothing but cramping afterwards.

Nor can I do anything about the fact that on the 23rd, after walking with E. down to the streetcar stop rather than getting the stroller out, because I know it weighs more than twenty pounds, and having E. climb up the steps himself rather than carrying him like I normally do, and having him climb down the steps himself instead of me picking him up like I normally do, we then walked to the dollar store where I promptly picked him up and put him in the cart so he could help me choose wrapping paper. It didn’t even occur to me what I’d done until we were finished shopping and I was trying to lift him OUT of the cart and his boots got stuck in the spaces for his legs, and I suddenly realized that I’d ended up lifting my toddler despite my oh-so-careful plans to make sure I wouldn’t. Cramping again after that. Then nothing.

I tried. I tried so hard to do what my clinic told me to do. And I still ended up, yet again, doing things that now hang over my head, things that I can’t help but wonder whether they might have swayed the balance, even though they are things that most women would do without a moment’s hesitation.

I wanted this to work so badly. I worked so hard to try to get my head around the possibility of twins, to make my peace with it, to accept it, to eventually even welcome it.

I did everything I could, and tried so hard not to do anything I wasn’t supposed to. But in the end I can’t make it happen. It’s not up to me. I can’t wish it so.

I’m preparing for a negative. I’ve got nothing to really sway me either way, but it’s just easier to try to start expecting bad news than to get blindsided.

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9 Comments

Filed under 2.0 IVF, Anxiety Overload, Second Thoughts, Symptoms, TWW

9 responses to “2.0 IVF 12dp5dt- One more day

  1. Clare

    I promise lifting heavy things won’t affect anything. I specifically asked about my lengthy list of restrictions at my clinic and they admitted that they were to avoid ovarian torsion and OHSS. It’s really a liability thing. My RE’s words to me when I was in a dazed state right after my transfer were “It’s like a piece of sand in a peanut butter sandwich.” For some reason the only restriction I kept messing up was lifting too. I carried a 50lb bag of dog food from my car. Anyway, wishing you so much good luck tomorrow. x

  2. You are so often on my mind, and I’m sure you’ll be on my mind even more tomorrow. Awaiting a positive result…holding out lots of hope. It is literally impossible to follow the guidelines. You did your very best and if you are meant to be pregnant, you could lift 100 pounds and it would still stick. I truly believe that.

  3. Oh hon ivf wih a toddler means it is physically impossible not to lift. If it really makes that much difference then ivf shouldn’t be allowed until your kid is like 5. I mean not really obviously but it’s impossible! It sounds like you did an amazing job of lifting almost nothing. If this doesn’t work it absolutely had nothing to do with what you did. Keep the faith, fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!

  4. I don’t think it’s overly realistic to think that you will never have to lift your toddler after IVF. I know that when things don’t work out (they will), it’s natural to look at everything you did/didn’t do, and wonder if you did something that caused that negative outcome. I’ve been there. But, thanks to my profession, I have encountered plenty of women who have gotten drunk, smoked weed, even had sky diving accidents in early pregnancy, and still went on to have healthy babies. I really have trouble believing that lifting something 25lbs-ish would prevent a viable pregnancy from sticking. Deep breaths… I will be hoping and praying for you tomorrow.

  5. I kept lifting things (and toddlers) after the last cycle, and kept cramping like crazy, too. And here I am, pregnant as can be. I truly don’t think you can have messed anything up. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

  6. Karen

    I am thinking of you and have everything crossed. Hoping so hard for a positive result for you.

  7. Nity

    Stopped by to see how things were going. Crossing fingers for you today! Hope you get good news.

  8. I’m thinking of you today and hoping you get the good news you so deserve. It makes me so angry that IF makes us so paranoid to just live when we might impact the outcome…while regular old fertiles go about their business like nothing’s different. Also I was 100% sure it was going to be negative for me — couldn’t have been more surprised to hear the positive. I so hope it’s your turn today!

  9. Thinking of you today!

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