Beta is tomorrow. It would have been today if we’d been home.
I thought about testing but decided against it. I don’t want to spend more money only to get one line. Plus I did a pretty good job of not thinking about it while we were away (except for the early mornings when I woke up before everyone else), and I didn’t want to wreck that. It was clever to put the tww over Christmas- I just wish I hadn’t stimmed so quickly that the tww started on the 20th and not the 23rd. I was pretty stressed over that weekend what with the major weather event and the frozen embryo report, and it was only on the 23rd, which I spent baking cookies with E., that I was able to consciously relax and just focus on Christmas.
Oh well. Maybe that was already too late. There’s nothing I can do about it now.
Nor can I do anything about the chair that I lifted on the second day after the transfer and carried upstairs so that we had a way for E. to climb into his crib by himself without me having to lift him. Q. weighed the chair afterwards, and it was just under my clinic’s magic twenty pound weight restriction, but I had nothing but cramping afterwards.
Nor can I do anything about the fact that on the 23rd, after walking with E. down to the streetcar stop rather than getting the stroller out, because I know it weighs more than twenty pounds, and having E. climb up the steps himself rather than carrying him like I normally do, and having him climb down the steps himself instead of me picking him up like I normally do, we then walked to the dollar store where I promptly picked him up and put him in the cart so he could help me choose wrapping paper. It didn’t even occur to me what I’d done until we were finished shopping and I was trying to lift him OUT of the cart and his boots got stuck in the spaces for his legs, and I suddenly realized that I’d ended up lifting my toddler despite my oh-so-careful plans to make sure I wouldn’t. Cramping again after that. Then nothing.
I tried. I tried so hard to do what my clinic told me to do. And I still ended up, yet again, doing things that now hang over my head, things that I can’t help but wonder whether they might have swayed the balance, even though they are things that most women would do without a moment’s hesitation.
I wanted this to work so badly. I worked so hard to try to get my head around the possibility of twins, to make my peace with it, to accept it, to eventually even welcome it.
I did everything I could, and tried so hard not to do anything I wasn’t supposed to. But in the end I can’t make it happen. It’s not up to me. I can’t wish it so.
I’m preparing for a negative. I’ve got nothing to really sway me either way, but it’s just easier to try to start expecting bad news than to get blindsided.