Déjà vu (7dp5dt)

A day or so ago I was reading back through my blog and I read my way through August 2010 and the tww that led to E.

This cycle feels SO similar.

Last time, at exactly 7dp5dt, I wrote:

My body finally decided it wasn’t that big of a fan of the ethyl oleate solution which the progesterone is in. At first I just had two itchy areas, one on each side of my butt. I didn’t realize they were there until I found myself wondering why I kept absentmindedly scratching my butt while reading, talking to Q., staring in the cupboard to see if there’s a good snack on offer, etc.

I’m using castor oil this time rather than the ethyl oleate, in an effort to prevent another resurgence of the hives from hell, but I’m getting the exact same effect. My butt is seriously itchy. I’m watching (a bit anxiously) to make sure I don’t start getting welts, as it’s a slippery slope from those to full body hives.

I also wrote:

My Frag.min bruises have started up. I’ve only got one nasty blood blister bruise thus far, but I’m now sporting five distinct yellow-green blotches on my stomach. The rest of my stomach is squishy (I’m not so good with the ab workouts). The bruises are really firm to the touch. I’m trying to go around them with each injection, but I’m starting to run out of space.

Yep.

And this:

I felt all weekend like af was trying to break through. I always have a day before af comes where I just feel generally out of sorts- lots of low level cramping in the uterus, and a general heaviness in my abdomen, coupled with emotional instability (i.e., I will cry at anything).

Check, check, and check. I’m not really noticing the emotional instability at the moment, but the cramping and the heaviness, and the feeling that AF is about to start, that’s all exactly the same.

I’d be more excited about this, except that the day after I wrote that post, I went back through my blog and found this post– one that was written at exactly the same stage in our first IVF cycle in 2009 (9dp3dt). The cramping and the feelings I were having were identical.

That convinced me in 2010 that I wasn’t pregnant, which turned out not to be true. It definitely means that I’m taking this round of cramping and uterine heaviness with a big big grain of salt. This might be the first time I’ve had this cramping after a FET, but I can’t be sure- I didn’t post much during the two FETs in 2009, so it could have happened and I just didn’t record it. In 2010 I thought I hadn’t had the cramping with FETs, and my memory should have been better with only ten months of distance, so it is possible that this is something new.

What is certainly new is having a toddler underfoot. My sister made me feel a billion times better about the lifting I had to do on Tuesday (and the other lifting I’ve had to do over the course of the week). This is what she wrote:

Do they just not want you exerting yourself? The 20lb limit seems pretty arbitrary, and I bet they don’t have good medical studies on what would be a good limit. I guess I just think they don’t want you to stress your body by forcing it to lift something unexpectedly heavy, but you are completely and utterly muscularly adapted to lifting E.’s weight. From, you know, all the E.-lifting.

I’m not going to tell you not to worry, because what else are twws for? But in my mind, lifting E. is the absolute norm for your body right now, not something that should cause undue abdominal stress.

She is so clever. In 2010 it would have been a sudden change if I’d started lifting a 25 lb toddler. But right now? That’s my normal. So I’ve stopped stressing about it (although I’m still trying to limit how often I have to pick him up).

The other thing that’s different is my attitude towards my weight. In 2010, I was obsessed with making sure I didn’t gain too much weight during pregnancy. I had to hide the scale mid-way through the first trimester, and I was weighing myself all the time in the tww. Partly that was because I was at risk of OHSS and I had to make sure I wasn’t gaining unexpectedly, but partly it was because I was obsessing. And it was just ridiculous, because I was in the best shape of my life, and super skinny to boot. I look back at my first couple of ‘belly’ photos, and just shake my head. I have a bigger belly now, not being pregnant!

This time around? I can’t be bothered. I weigh more than I did when I got pregnant with E., as I started this cycle five pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight in 2010. More noticeable is I’m unfit- in the absolute chaos that was early September the running fell by the wayside. I’ve done nothing but eat happily since this cycle started (hurray for steroids!). If I’m not pregnant, I’ll get back on track and sort myself out. If I am pregnant, I’ll put the scale away and will ignore it unless told to do otherwise by a medical professional. I know I will drop the weight at the other end of things, and, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.

One week and counting.

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1 Comment

Filed under 2.0 FET#1, Anxiety Overload, Medical issues, Medications, Mirror, Mirror (Body Image), Second Thoughts, Symptoms

One response to “Déjà vu (7dp5dt)

  1. Clare

    Handy having a record to look back at other cycles. I had that exact feeling you describe that af was coming mid-way through my tww of my successful ivf. Think that’s a really good sign. Good luck!

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