On being THAT woman (and FET update)

I did something today I swore I would never do.

I brought E. with me to the clinic.

There was no reason that I had to do this: his auntie C. was ready and willing and eager to keep an eye on him and take him to the park.

But yesterday was the first day I left E. at nursery school for the whole day.

We were both crying when I left. I knew I was supposed to maintain a calm, confident face, but I couldn’t do it. The nursery school supervisor, bless her, took a picture of us (red-eyed and weepy) with her iPhone, and then took E. with her to print it out while I made my exit (crying all the way to the subway station). She called me five minutes after I had left to say that he hadn’t cried once, they had printed out multiple copies of the photo, they’d put one on the wall, and he was carrying around another one. Then she e-mailed me another photo at 10:30 that morning showing him happily playing.

This place is AMAZING. So loving and caring, for the parent as much as the child.

Her kind phone call meant I could get through the rest of the day without being too much of a mess myself (including a meeting with a prospective post-doc supervisor).

When I went to pick him up in the afternoon, she told me that he had had some rough moments, especially around transitions when he suddenly had nothing to focus on. But he was easily distracted. They’d obviously spent a lot of time with him as he was chanting their “Mummies and Daddies always come back” song all the way home, and all through the afternoon. And he kept telling me that he had “felt a bit sad at school” so they were obviously talking to him about his feelings.

So he’d managed, but it had been hard on him.

And then last night I had to go out again because it was the mandatory policy review for the nursery school, and I couldn’t do my duty day until I’d had the anaphylaxis training (there are two children with Epi-pens in the school). I’d already missed the original session because we were at the wedding out of province.

I really didn’t have a choice.

It was TERRIBLE timing.

E. burst into tears as soon as I started preparing him for what was going to happen. He hadn’t napped at nursery school, so we ate dinner a bit early and I was able to do the entire bedtime routine before I had to go. And we talked about how Mummy was going to come right back, and I would take off my shoes, creep up the stairs, open his door, and give him a kiss. But Auntie C. had a rough evening- he popped up in hysterics less than five minutes after I left the house, and it then took over an hour to get him to fall asleep.  She ended up reading him multiple stories, singing him lullabies, and rubbing his back until he finally went to sleep.

This morning, at breakfast, E. suddenly remembered that I had told him yesterday that I was going to see my doctor and he was going to play with Auntie C., and he absolutely lost it.

So I took him with me, and Auntie C. (bless her) came along as well to wrangle him when I was getting blood drawn, or having an ultrasound, or seeing the doctor or the nurse.

E. was happy as a clam. There were enough new toys at the clinic (including a yellow dump truck) that he could keep himself occupied, and he wasn’t remotely worried about my disappearing for the various procedures since he knew I’d be right back.

It was a typical morning, so we were there for over two hours.

I felt guilty the entire time.

I know other women were refusing to look at E.

I know couples were moving to different seats to be further away from him.

I wanted to put a big sign on his chest that said, “I came from this clinic!”

But we powered on through. Today, his feelings were more important than theirs.

Tomorrow I’m going to have to leave him again to go teach my class (the first of the semester).

Tonight Q. gets back from Australia.

E.’s world is in total chaos right now. He asks me every morning if he is going to school. You can tell that he’s struggling with not understanding what is happening. One of the downsides of having worked so hard to establish such a consistent, predictable routine with him is it makes it harder for all of us to cope when things get crazy. And things have been REALLY crazy these last two weeks.

E. is doing the best he can. He is doing astonishingly well- he would be well within his rights to be melting down almost constantly with all the changes we’ve thrust at him since leaving the U.K.

This morning, he really really needed his Mummy not to leave him behind.

I’m just glad I recognized that.

Clinic visit went well. My lining is “beautiful”.

We scheduled the FET for the 19th, when neither of us is teaching, so we won’t be pressed for time if my f/s runs late (which he absolutely will).

Saturday I start the PIO shots (castor oil this time since I reacted so badly to the ethyl oleate back in 2010)

Monday I start a three-day course of antibiotics (Doxycycline) and a four-day course of steroids (Medrol)

Thursday, after the transfer, I start the Fragmin

My Estrace, Prednisone, Metformin and baby Aspirin protocols stay the same. I pushed up quite easily to the full dose of Metformin (three times a day) and haven’t had any really bad side effects, which has been nice.

I’ve paid them.

Looks like we’re really doing this.

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3 Comments

Filed under (Pre)School Days, 2.0 FET#1, Anxiety Overload, Butter scraped over too much bread (a.k.a. modern motherhood), E.- the third year, Medical issues, Medications, Second Thoughts

3 responses to “On being THAT woman (and FET update)

  1. So exciting!!!

    Kids are resilient. E will be just fine. I promise. Change is an unavoidable part of life, and I firmly believe that children need to understand this from a young age. That doesn’t make it any easier for YOU right now, I know- no mother wants to see her child in any distress. Ever. But I think you did amazingly well to know when to push him and when NOT to push him. It’s a fine line, and not always easy to recognize. Hang in there mama… I promise, it will get easier.

  2. I wish you nothing but the best friend! I haven’t been commenting a ton lately – but know that I’m rooting you on!

  3. You know what? You’ve so earned the right to bring E to the clinic. Let them stare. Hopefully they’ll soon know what it’s like!

    It gets easier — the nursery school thing. Promise. Soon you’ll be thrilled to be able to drop him somewhere where you know he’s fully engaged and entertained every minute! I have found it’s harder and harder to keep my H. busy at home as he gets older. But I so get how hard it is in the beginning.

    Re: your question on my blog, apparently the data show that straight up IVF improves pregnancy rates but does not reduce the rate of miscarriage. So since I’m getting pregnant relatively easily on my own (!) my RE didn’t think it was the answer. However to me this leaves out two important details. One, even though I’m ovulating getting pregnant, I’m convinced that my PCOS body is still out of whack hormonally and doesn’t produce the right mix for healthy eggs and sustained pregnancy without their taking over and giving me synthetic hormones. And two, the new screening techniques can take genetic abnormalities off the table. She didn’t feel there was enough data behind PGS yet, but I’m all for throwing every strategy in there at this point to ensure both a healthy uterus and embryo(s).

    Also a question for you — in an earlier post you mentioned TSH relative to taking hormones…do they adjust your thyroid meds based on your taking the IVF meds? I am relatively new to taking meds for a slightly sluggish thyroid so I was interested…wondering if I need to ask about this.

    I am so excited for you — to have such healthy blasts to transfer…wow. I wish you all the luck in the world! I so hope this works for you.

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