Taking a deep breath

Thank you all, so so much for the comments, support and assvice. I really appreciate it.

I am putting WAY too much pressure on myself- I can see that. I think because we had such a long wait to become parents, I was able to spend far too much time deciding what type of parent I wanted to be. I probably read too many books. It is very easy to be a great parent when you don’t actually have a real live baby with his own needs to deal with. So I am trying to go with the flow more frequently, and to remember that E. is not even a month old yet. And I need to appreciate what I have right now, this very moment: a gorgeous (even if he is spotty with baby acne) healthy son who is happy, thriving and gaining weight like mad. A son who is THIS close to smiling. A son who does not have reflux, shows no signs of colic (knock wood), sleeps (usually) in his crib, (usually) goes 2. 5 to 3 hours between feeds (although we’ve been closer to 2 these last couple of days). He is a great baby, and I need to be better about recognizing the positives even after tough nights.

Yesterday I took E. to a park on the other side of the city to go walking with the friends I made in my prenatal exercise classes. There are four of us- we were due the 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th of May. The one due on the 10th went overdue by 11 days. The one due on the 11th had her baby at 36 weeks by emergency c-section and saved her baby’s life by monitoring her fetal movements (long story- but a one in a million complication involving the placenta and the umbilical cord, and thank goodness both mum and bub were fine). The one due on the 13th and I both had our babies on Mother’s Day. Two boys and two girls. I’m so glad I met them.

To get to this park required me to take E. and our massive stroller (B.aby J.ogger City E.lite) on a bus and the subway, including a subway station with no elevator, and only up escalators (I LOVE the Ba.by J.ogger one-handed fold. I think we’d still be there otherwise). He slept the whole way there, was quietly alert for most of the walk, and slept most of the way back, waking when we were still a ten minute walk from home and demanding BOOBIES NOW. So we ended the outing with screaming, but until then it had gone really well. I changed him at the park. We breastfed in public. I actually felt like a competent mum. (Although I am really looking forward to him being old enough for us to get a M.claren. That stroller is just not meant for public transit.)

What do you all do if you are only a few blocks from home and bub wakes up starving (or convinced that he is, which amounts to the same thing)? I don’t like to leave him to cry, but I feel if I stop the stroller, take him out, comfort him and cuddle him, that then only prolongs the agony when I put him back in to get home. I can see the attraction of pacifiers.

Perhaps as a result of all the excitement, E. also went back to sleep without too much fussing after his night feeds, which meant I got more sleep, which meant that motherhood seems quite manageable today.

Conversation with Q. at 5 am this morning:

Q.: Wow, epic sleep for the little guy.

Me: I guess so. He’s never gone four hours between these two feeds before.

Q.: When did he last feed?

Me: 1 am.

Q.: Oh. I guess I slept through that entire feed. I thought he’d been asleep since 10.30. (Rolls over and goes back to sleep)

Me: (thinking uncharitable thoughts).



Filed under Baby

5 responses to “Taking a deep breath

  1. It’s the extreme sleep deprivation that amplifies things. You ARE doing a great job, but you’re going to have bad nights AND days for sure, especially early on.

    I can tell you I didn’t feel like a competent mom for a number of months. Maybe 6, 12, 18? I don’t remember.

    About the crying bit – we used pacifiers. And I did learn, somewhat the hard way, that if O escalated to a crying FIT, I HAD to stop and take him out then and there to help him. I remember a time where I was literally 5 minutes from home and I had to stop, take him out of his carseat, and help calm him down before I could finish the drive home.

    You ARE doing a great job. 🙂


  2. Mel

    I agree with the above comment about how sleep deprivation just magnifies everything to EPIC proportions. The hormones flowing like crazy don’t help much, either. It’s a freaking roller coaster.

    I didn’t feel like a competent mom for a long time. And still? Somedays I feel like an utter failure when my child has asked me the same question 9,000 times and I snap at her to please stop asking me questions. I remember looking at other moms in public for doing the same thing years ago and thinking “why is she SO MEAN?” Haha. How quickly the mighty fall.

    Good for you for nusing in public. I never got up the courage. I hid myself in many a parking lot, public bathroom, dressing room, etc. I didn’t walk with her much at that age, in fact I don’t think I got brave enough to venture out with her for much until after she was making 4 hours stretches between nursing. If for some reason we were in the car and she started wailing with the “FEED ME NOW DANGIT” cry, we pulled over and I fed her.

  3. we loved the pacifier for the ~2 weeks he would take the thing. oh well. fun while it lasted.

    as for your question: if i am a mile or less from home (on foot) and on my way there anyway, i generally just hurry. i figure stopping to nurse means finding a place, buying something in the likely event that the place is a cafe, etc. (which means time and money), and then nursing more awkwardly than at home. it just doesn’t take that much longer to get home, and as much as i hate hearing him cry, he *is* a baby and they do that. it does stress me out, though not nearly as much as it used to.

  4. Sarah

    Today, we went to the mall to see about getting me a new phone. Instead of sitting in the car and nursing Isaac before we headed home, I decided to just try the pacifier and see if we made it – it’s only a 15 min drive. I was kicking myself…even nursing him on one side probably would have kept him happy enough for the drive, and he was upset of course because he was HUNGRY. Hubby doesn’t mind sitting and waiting, he’s got games on his phone, so there was no reason not to.
    I guess if there is somewhere you can stop and nurse, I say do it, otherwise just power through the crying and get home as fast as possible!

  5. I agree with the above commenters — just power through the crying if you can. A little crying will hurt you more than him!

    You’re doing great — keep up the good work! Going with the flow IS being a fantastic mom.

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