How far along? Twenty-three weeks.
Maternity clothes? Well, one of the students in my class asked if I were pregnant even before the lecture started, but funnily enough she isn’t one I’m teaching this year. I’ve taught her for the last two academic years, though, so I guess she knows what I look like and felt it was obvious enough to ask about. My tutorial didn’t say a word, although I did catch them giving me sidelong glances when they thought I wasn’t looking. I like having the dress pants, although they are too short to wear with my black boots (this has been the one annoyance with mat pants- not enough of them have a 34″ inseam, and all my height is in my legs). I’m still bumming around in my usual sweatpants and shirts at home- I feel like I don’t want to wear out my mat clothes, so I only wear them to go out of the house.
How am I looking? I feel like the belly did another big jump this week, which makes sense given how hungry I was last week. But my prenatal boot camp instructor saw me this week for the first time since before Christmas and said that I was still tiny. So who knows. It is definitely obvious at work- a number of people this week commented on it.
How am I feeling physically? I am really tired. The insomnia came back at the start of this week, and it is starting to drag on me. I did get back on the exercise bike (fell off the wagon a bit with that over Christmas and earlier in December), and my residual fitness wasn’t bad, so I am trying to get back into my three-times-a-week habit. I still notice the pregnancy the most when I get tired from walking somewhere that normally wouldn’t even make me catch my breath. And this week bub obviously spent a couple of days sitting on my bladder as at the weekend every time Q. and I went for a walk we kept having to stop to find me a loo.
How am I feeling emotionally? The anxiety is back. I *think* that’s where the insomnia is coming from, but I could also be stressing about a couple of school things I have to get done this semester. Alternatively, it could just be pregnancy-related, but I suspect it’s emotional at its heart. The problem is that I was never able to convince myself that this was going to work out. I’ve spent the entire time anticipating something was going to go wrong. I would miscarry, or have an incompetent cervix, or the 12-week ultrasound would show some terrible problem, or the anatomical ultrasound would suggest horrible anomalies. SOMETHING, according to my messed-up post-infertility brain, had to go wrong. I was just starting to ease up when we found out about the cyst, and that’s been enough to set me off again. Even though I know that it is likely meaningless and our baby is probably perfectly fine, I’m right back to where I was in the first trimester. I can get excited about the baby when others ask me about him/her, but my own internal emotions are much more centred around anxiety and fear. And knowing that this isn’t good for the baby just makes me feel worse. So I’m going to have a big chat with my primary midwife when we see her in two weeks, and hopefully she will agree to send me for a followup ultrasound. In the meantime, I am trying to make my peace with the fact that it is probably just not possible for me to truly enjoy this pregnancy. My main hope is that once I get through it and the baby is healthy, maybe we will be so lucky as to get pregnant again. And maybe I will be able to enjoy that one. With this one, I’m just trying to survive it.
It doesn’t help that I have all these other worries- about whether or not we’ve actually made the right decision, about whether I’ll be a terrible mother, about whether this baby will permanently derail my career, or if Q. won’t give the help he’s promising to give. I worry about what will happen to me, physically, emotionally, after the baby comes. I worry about how selfish I sound when I worry about these things. There’s a lot on my mind these days.
What am I thinking about? Other than all of the above, this week I put together a list of names for my sister (who is organizing my baby shower). I called a couple of places about prenatal classes (still waiting to hear back from them). I finished reading Jack Newman’s book on breastfeeding. I’m thinking about taking a breastfeeding class before the baby comes, as I really really want that to work. And, I screwed up my courage and bought a crib! We bought this one. It is made in China, but I had a long chat with my friend who is an environmental biologist (and who is very concerned about toxins in the environment), and she said she’d be comfortable buying a crib from China. She felt it was more important to get one that is solid wood. So. That’s our first big purchase done.
What am I currently investigating? Nothing in particular, but I am determined to get Q. and I to a baby store this weekend to look at strollers and car seats. Am super frustrated that we have to buy a car seat when we don’t own a car.
Best moment? Just a collection of little moments with Q. He has really been looking after me this week. (Case in point- for the first time ever I made him go and buy me something to deal with a craving. I was going to cry if I didn’t get ice cream. I’d had the craving for four days and it just wasn’t going away. Q.’s only comment was to dryly ask if I wanted pickles as well as he booted up to head out into the snow.)
Movement? Pretty steady- I still notice something each day. Q. hasn’t felt anything yet, though.
What I miss? Sleeping through the night.
What I’m looking forward to? Next week- viability!
Milestones? Today is exactly four months from my due date!