Expected but still wretched

It boggles my mind that I can have had two days to prepare for this news, can be expecting this news, can have practised how to respond to said news (i.e., do NOT cry on the phone with the lovely nurse who has to make these calls and listen to sad women weep all day), and yet I still feel like someone has ripped my heart out and ran over it multiple times. With a tank.

Beta was negative.

I am just SO tired of being broken. Of wondering when this is going to work. Of wondering if I’m doing something wrong.

This is so much worse than a bfn.

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7 Comments

Filed under Emotions, FET, TWW

7 responses to “Expected but still wretched

  1. T, my heart goes out to you. I’m just so very sorry and I wish there were something I could do for you at this moment. I don’t know how to explain this and I hope it doesn’t seem trite (because I don’t mean at all to minimize what you feel right now), but try to think about how quickly the whole story can change. It SUCKS that you’re here right now and this was the outcome. But you will have your WTF appointment, make a plan and yes, gear up to try again. You will feel hopeful again. And the next cycle just might be it. It can all change in the blink of an eye, and this moment and how you feel will then seem far away. So grieve and take good care of yourself right now but try not to think that it will always feel this way…because it won’t. I have complete faith in that.

  2. I am so very sorry. I wish I could be there for you.

  3. Turia,

    I’m so sorry. Just so sad for you right now, and wishing I could comfort you somehow.

    Will be thinking about you…

  4. I am so so so sorry. Please know how much I am thinking of you.

  5. Alexicographer

    I’m so sorry.

    Yes, I know just what you mean. I got canceled last time I tried to cycle, and except for the fact that I require high doses (i.e. lots of $$$) from the get-go, I couldn’t have asked for an easier cancellation. I stimmed for 5 days. One and only one follicle grew. I got canceled. I was totally OK with that, I mean, I wasn’t happy, but I got that it was the right decision. I saw the 1 follicle on the morning u/s and thought, eh, canceled, darn, at least it’s early. But when the RE called me in the afternoon to tell me that my E2 was still low (no, really?) and that yes, they really did think I should cancel just as we’d already discussed that morning and agreed to (duh), I still sounded sad and shaky on the phone. WTF?

    Hope you have plenty of chocolate and vodka on hand, or whatever your combination of naughty/cheer-me-up items is.

  6. T – I just don’t know what to say… I’ve not had the chance to catch up on any of my blogs until tonight and I was crushed when I saw your entry. I am so, so, so, sorry that this has happened once again. Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be…I will never lose hope for you because you will be the most amazing mother one day.
    Sending you a huge hug,
    SR

  7. I’m sending your hugs. My ivf #1 was the same – beta limbo with eventually a negative result. Nothing we say will make you feel better, but perhaps knowing you are not alone will bring a little comfort. Try to hang in there & take care of yourself.

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