News, unexpected

It’s been a rough weekend.

It started on Friday with a call from my endocrinologist. My thyroid is out of whack, again. He wants to up my dose from 0.75 daily to 0.1. I know there’s a 0.885 pill out there, so that must mean it’s significantly out of whack, since we’re jumping a pill.

The blood test that turned this up was from the 22nd- the day before my beta, and the day I took the hpt.

This means my thyroid was out during the IVF cycle. And we didn’t catch it.

I am just SO FRUSTRATED by this. I begged my f/s to test my thyroid. He agreed, even though he said repeatedly that it wouldn’t matter (how he can be one of the top f/s in Canada and still not see a link between thyroid and IF is beyond me). I watched him call the blood lab and ask for the test to be run.

But the result never appeared. I asked for it a couple of times, and then we got so caught up in the IVF cycle it slipped my mind.

If my TSH was elevated, that could have been enough to sabotage the cycle. We are still paying for a cycle that quite possibly had no real chance of succeeding.

I just don’t know what to do. Since my hypothyroidism is auto-immune, it stands to reason that my levels are going to keep fluctuating as my thyroid continues to fail. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to trust that my TSH is stable. And is there any point in even trying to get pregnant if it’s still bouncing around?

I know that I will not, under any circumstances, start the process for an FET without getting the results from a TSH test in my hot little hands. Burned once, twice shy. But I’ve got no idea what effect a high TSH would have had on embryo development/egg quality. Maybe those four snowbabies are all doomed too.

I’m so tired of being hit with surprises. I wish my doctors weren’t both so busy and important that they’re incapable of cooperating with another physician. I wish I would actually present with symptoms once my TSH went above 2 so I would be able to suspect that something was wrong. The only thing at the moment I’ve noticed is my skin looks really tired, and I’ve gained a bit of weight. But I’ve had a hard year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my skin reflected that, and I deserved to gain some weight this winter given I mostly sat around and ate. There was nothing conclusive to make me wonder if something was out of balance. That’s probably why I didn’t push harder to get the TSH result back from my f/s.

The second surprise of the weekend came when Q. bounced back from a sporting event with the news that our friends are pregnant again. I felt awful for not being able to be super happy- she is a fellow IFer who experienced recurring early miscarriages before they figured out she needed progesterone. She has been through the trenches, and the same clinic where I’ve spent so much time.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her, and her husband, because I am. They’re dear friends, and I know how hard this has been for them. I love their son. It was more the realization that struck me that all of my friends who have one baby are now either pregnant with their second, or have already given birth.

Of those first babies, when Q. and I decided to start ttcing, one was six months old, one was six weeks old, and one was born the exact same weekend we had our conversation about chucking out the bcps. Obviously not one of those families was trying to have a second baby at that point.

I know it’s not a race. But I have this terrible sense of being left behind. I want our kids to be close in age to our friends’ kids. I want them to be able to grow up together, to spend vacations together, to run around in our yards while we barbeque and drink wine in the hot heavy air of summer.

There is a very good chance I will not yet be pregnant by the time the two remaining second babies make their appearance in the world (November).

I’m just so tired of not knowing what direction our life is going to go. And I hate the person that IF is making me. I hate the sorrow and despair that bubbles beneath my surface. I hate how my emotional control is stretched so thin that I snap all too easily. I hate how my first instinct is not to celebrate for my friends, but mourn for myself.

I hate how I’ve forgotten how to be happy.

7 Comments

Filed under Emotions, Friends, Medical issues, Medications, Thyroid

7 responses to “News, unexpected

  1. How frustrating that your doctor couldn’t take the time to look at blood test results! Of course, they don’t give a crap, because they’re taking your money either way…but I would want to strangle the guy. How do so many doctors still believe that infertility is unrelated to thyroid?!? Unbelievable. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with a failed cycle AND now the knowledge of a wacky thryoid too boot.

  2. Kat

    I’m so sorry about your thyroid. 😦 I know how you feel about being left behind. I think it is a normal feeling, that’s for sure. Thinking of you.

  3. barrenness

    Sorry you’re having to go through the frustration of dealing with thyroid issues in addition to dealing with a failed cycle. I hope your f/s will make the time to talk with you and listen to you as make plans to proceed. I completely understand the feeling of being left behind. It’s so hard to feel like everyone around you is moving forward in life while you’re stuck on this awful, terrible chapter of life. Let’s turn the freakin’ page already! Hoping you get some comfort and answers soon.

  4. I’m so sorry you have the added stress of the thyroid problem to worry about…and I wish the doctor had listened to you and gotten you the result you asked for. And I completely understand your feelings of being left behind. It is sad and scary, and you’re entitled to feel that way…but I think you also have so much to be hopeful about. You made incredible embryos, which is a *huge* hurdle for many people, and once they get that thyroid under control, I feel so confident that your time will come. You’re on your way, you really are. Thinking of you.

  5. Ashley

    That is so frustrating damn DOCTORS!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

  6. Alexicographer

    Oh, Turia — I’m sorry. What a drag.

    On the thyroid stuff … I cannot remember what I’ve posted to you before, and I don’t remember all the particulars of what you are already doing, so please forgive me for whatever of the following is repetitious/stupid/annoying/useless. But what worked for me was, first, getting my TSH down under 1, and then increasing my Synthroid pro-actively while cycling and (as things turned out) early (and ongoing) in pregnancy. I say “proactively,” but in reality I was using symptoms as a guide (and had my endo.’s blessing and assistance — in the form of an extra Rx — in doing so), so I’m not quite sure how you’d manage this given what you’ve said about a lack of symptoms, but if nothing else … we know that on average, treated hypothyroid women have a dosage increase of around 30-50% early in pregnancy, so … would it make sense for you to talk to your endo. about upping your dosage by 30% at the point when you start stims?

    Obviously if you do bring this up *and* your doctor considers this idea but is worried about it being too much, monitoring early and often (with quick turnaround, ahem) could address that concern. Though I’ll add that my endo.’s comment was that mild hyperthyroidism is common early in pregnancy and rarely a problem, and that when in doubt it was better to end up mildly hyper than mildly hypo. She also now advises her patients who think they might be pregnant (everyone, not just infertiles) to take an extra 1/2 pill of whatever their regular dose is twice/week until they can get a PG test, just to be on the safe side.

    Also, I have no idea where your TSH was when you started your cycle or last had it tested, but obviously, the lower it is within the normal range, the more it can move up before it becomes a problem. So you may want to discuss (if you haven’t already) intentionally keeping it down around 0.5.

    Finally, for whatever it’s worth, based on outward appearances anyway, the embryos I got in my untreated cycles (none of which ever stuck) and those I got in my treated cycle (one of the three of which did, and a FET of the third — I only transferred 2 fresh — did also briefly grasp on as a chemical pregnancy) were all exactly the same. If anything, the treated ones were worse than the untreated — perhaps not surprising as I was a number of years older. Well, only 2 really but from 35 to 37, so a pretty critical interval of 2 years in female fertility, particularly for IVF.

    OK. Sorry to be rambling on here but I hope maybe there’s something useful in there for you, and that perhaps your most recent cycle — as much as what you’ve learned stinks — will get your doctors to pay closer attention to your thyroid in the future.

  7. Pingback: Future Imperfect | Res Cogitatae

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