So this is what 80 million swimmers, a great uterine lining and multiple eggies get you.
A BFN on your bloodtest and a broken heart.
Un-fucking-believable. What does it take to get pregnant?!
We’re taking September off. I need my life back. I need to order my days around my teaching schedule, not what day of my cycle. I want a few weeks without mood altering medications that accelerate my heart rate and push my anxiety.
I want a chance to feel normal again. (Even as I feel anxious and twitchy about taking the break and letting a month go by without trying- this is a sick and twisted roller coaster we’re on.)
It will be a clean break. I don’t ovulate on my own, so there’s no point in saying we’ll just see what happens.
Honestly, 80 million swimmers and not one of them could get to the right place?!
This month is especially hard because it was our month for a May baby. And I know all of you will tell me (and you will be right) that you can’t plan these things, but all along our goal has been a May baby. We threw out the bcps last July and started charting last October because we knew we might have trouble. We thought we were giving ourselves lots of time to sort everything out.
Not once in the months before we saw any doctors, or in the early period with the fs when we were running our tests and seeing if metformin would work, NOT ONCE did it occur to me that I could reach the end of the summer and still be here, still be infertile, still be manifestly not pregnant.
Now I’m really scared. I feel like before I was convinced my journey had an end date, that all of the testing and the meds were leading up to this last IUI, that the stars aligned in such a way that how could it not work.
I don’t have any confidence any more. I don’t know how long this road will carry me.
I really wasn’t prepared for this.