The best laid plans…

So this is what 80 million swimmers, a great uterine lining and multiple eggies get you.

A BFN on your bloodtest and a broken heart.

Un-fucking-believable. What does it take to get pregnant?!

We’re taking September off. I need my life back. I need to order my days around my teaching schedule, not what day of my cycle. I want a few weeks without mood altering medications that accelerate my heart rate and push my anxiety.

I want a chance to feel normal again. (Even as I feel anxious and twitchy about taking the break and letting a month go by without trying- this is a sick and twisted roller coaster we’re on.)

It will be a clean break. I don’t ovulate on my own, so there’s no point in saying we’ll just see what happens.

Honestly, 80 million swimmers and not one of them could get to the right place?!

This month is especially hard because it was our month for a May baby. And I know all of you will tell me (and you will be right) that you can’t plan these things, but all along our goal has been a May baby. We threw out the bcps last July and started charting last October because we knew we might have trouble. We thought we were giving ourselves lots of time to sort everything out.

Not once in the months before we saw any doctors, or in the early period with the fs when we were running our tests and seeing if metformin would work, NOT ONCE did it occur to me that I could reach the end of the summer and still be here, still be infertile, still be manifestly not pregnant.

Now I’m really scared. I feel like before I was convinced my journey had an end date, that all of the testing and the meds were leading up to this last IUI, that the stars aligned in such a way that how could it not work.

I don’t have any confidence any more. I don’t know how long this road will carry me.

I really wasn’t prepared for this.

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9 Comments

Filed under Emotions, ttc

9 responses to “The best laid plans…

  1. Oh my dear, I’m so so sorry!! It sounds like we’re on the same track – started trying last June, charting in October… but here we are. Vent away as need be. No one is prepared for IF. I don’t care who you are; it’s not something you can prepare for.

    My suggestion – if you do take a full month off, don’t talk about IF, ttc, or anything along those lines. The 4 days we had off of it was amazing and truly helped me not think about it as much. Just my 2 cents.

    Means a good 1/2 marathon though, right?

    **BIG HUGS**

  2. C G

    I am really sorry for you. I agree that taking a month off would be a good thing. Try not to worry abt IF during this time so that you can come back and jump in with full energy. Do try and post to let us know about your school, courses and stuff.

  3. Damn. Since when did medical science get so flakey?

    I feel for you. I was feeling really positive at the end of July that the doctors were taking me seriously and they were going to intervene ad I’d conceive between then and Christmas giving me a spring / summer baby. But had a big set back today that means I’m not sure when I’m going to get drugs and a chance to ovulate. Frankly I no longer give a toss if it is a summer or winter baby but I can’t stand watching time slip away.

  4. RM

    I am so sorry you didn’t get a positive! I understand your feelings about imagining yourself pregnant by a certain point. Last summer about this time, we were at the beach and I was floored I wasn’t big and pregnant. Our journey is now 1 year and 3 miscarriages beyond that, and we are just finally getting somewhere now. I think a break will do you good, and I agree that you and Q might really enjoy your month the most by not talking baby at all.

    I’m sending big hugs all the way to Canada for you, T. xox

  5. Alexandra

    I’m so sorry. I’ve been there…that unexpected BFN after a treatment cycle. It felt to me like the emotional equivalent of being run over by a truck.

    I hope you will take gentle care of yourself for a few weeks and do nothing else. I recommend lots of dark chocolate and a few margaritas, though your soothers may be different from mine. At least in my experience, it does start to get better, I mean, just to feel more bearable, within a few weeks.

  6. Aw sweetie, I am so sorry!! (((Hugs)))) I hope a break cycle is what you need and you will come back and get your BFP right away.

  7. Mel

    I am so sorry, sugar. I know how much this hurts and how much of an utter failure you are feeling right now.
    I feel like it’s impossible to know the right words to say to anyone in your shoes (because no one could ever say them to me when I was there), but I do want to tell you that if you want a baby and your heart cannot imagine a life without one-don’t ever give up. Take all the breaks you need (I took several) and enjoy those times to their FULLEST.
    *hugs*

  8. Just hang in there. Yes, a TTC break is a sensible plan. I am on TTC break myself. I think we need it before we embark again on this long TTC road.

  9. Pingback: Work. Life. | Res Cogitatae

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