Well, this could be interesting…

For the last week my temperature has been rock steady (with two dips of .1 degree F).

It’s never done that before. All my other charts look like the Rocky Mountains- peaks and valleys as far as the eye can see.

I’m not going to try to read too much into this, but it’s got to be good news if it’s levelling out, no? Is it a coincidence that this happened within a week of my workload easing back for the summer?

Had a good chat the other day with my friend in the UK (via email). We ranted about the outrageous fantasy about conception/pregnancy/labour/birth/breastfeeding that permeates our world.  Somehow we all know how things are ‘supposed’ to be. And it means that whenever your reality fails to measure up to the fantasy in any of the categories, you feel disappointed.  Or guilty.  Or both.

She’s a smart cookie. I’d like to think that I’m no slouch either. Between us, we have six degrees (which could also just indicate we’re really good at avoiding having to grow up and get jobs). And yet we both fell for the fantasy, hook, line and sinker.

The more I read, the more women I come across who didn’t have the fantasy. So why, I wonder, do we all think we’re going to be different? Why did I convince myself that I’d be an exception? I’m sure if I hadn’t built things up in my head, the knowledge that I wouldn’t be able to use a midwife wouldn’t have been nearly so disappointing.

I think it’s the lack of control that I’m having the hardest time with. I like to be organized. I’m the sort of person who makes to-do lists, and derives real satisfaction from crossing things off. When I get anxious and stressed I need to write down everything I have to do to reassure myself that it’s manageable and I’m not forgetting anything. I like schedules and plans. I like that my fs and my gp have plans for getting me pregnant.

But the knowledge that I can’t MAKE myself get pregnant, can’t organize and schedule my way to that BFP? Drives me crazy!



Filed under ttc

2 responses to “Well, this could be interesting…

  1. Waiting

    Yep. Totally sucks. I too am an admitted control freak, and it drives me absolutely silly thinking that I have no control over my reproductive organs. Sometimes I think this is God’s way of slowing me down and teaching me patience. Either way, I’m still determined to get there one of these days. I have faith that you will, too!

  2. Mel

    It is really hard to wake up and find yourself smack in the middle of NOT being in control anymore, isn’t it?

    I have to say that the world of subfertility and infertility, however, is smaller than we realize, and that to those who aren’t in it, babies do really “just happen.” It’s so bizarre to me. That’s why I turned to blogging and immersing myself in the musings of others in similar situations to mine. Now it doesn’t seem so uncommon! And what is even more intersting to me is how well educated, intelligent and thoughtful most of the women in our little community really are! Why do bad things happen to good people?


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