How can ignorance be bliss?

Something my fs said to me at our first meeting has been going around and around in my head of late. We were discussing my history, and after I explained my irregular (and then absent) cycles, my lengthy time on birth control, and my useless trial breaks ‘just to see if my body would start ovulating again’, she paused for a minute, calculated, and then came out with, “So you probably haven’t actually ovulated for over a decade.”

And I was floored.

I hadn’t ever sat down and added it all up before. And because I’d been on birth control pills, off and on, for that entire decade, it had somehow passed me by that my ovaries had been in stasis for that long.

I said something along those lines to my fs, who said that I’d been on the pill for a lot of the time and she’s certain I would have ovulated if I hadn’t been.

I’m not so sure.

In any case, I’ve been thinking about this a lot this past weekend because my chart took a big nose dive on Friday morning. And even though my chart has shown low temperatures before, there’s usually an underlying cause (I woke up too early; my room was too cold; etc.), but this time I didn’t have anything to explain it.

I probably would have had a normal day, except that my low temp also coincided with a funny feeling on my left side, right about where my ovary would be.

If you guessed that I then spent the day in a state of nervous frenzy wondering if I could be the new medical posterchild for Metformin- the one who ovulated after a week on the drug while still on a low dosage-, then you’d be right. Luckily I had the sense not to say anything to Q. until this morning when my temperature rose on Saturday (but not enough), and then dropped a touch again. We had a bit of a laugh about my silliness.

But it occurred to me, as I wandered around in a daze on Friday, occasionally rubbing my aching ‘ovary’, that I don’t like my chances of recognizing ovulation when it happens. My chart will (hopefully) tell me after the fact, but that’s not too useful if Q. and I didn’t time things correctly.

My cycles were so chaotic in high school, and vanished so decisively that I’ve realized I don’t know what ovulation pain feels like. Is it a sharp, stabbing pain? A drawn out ache? Feeling like that part of your body is being stretched? Some other feeling that I haven’t experienced?

I just don’t know.

I am equally in the dark when it comes to cervical mucous. I’ve given up trying to track my cm as it was very clear when I first started charting that my cm doesn’t follow the usual pattern as explained in the fertility books. The only thing I was relatively certain about was that I never ended up with the cm described as egg white, and then at my first ultrasound with my fs she said I did have egg white cm and thought I could ovulate soon (ha!).

I’m usually pretty in tune with my body. But this whole thing is just feeling more and more like a mystery. It’s as if I’m standing in a field, desperately hoping for lightning to strike me, without having any real idea whether it’s storming or not. And I wouldn’t be too concerned about missing it if I wasn’t worried that ovulation, for me, like lightning, might not strike twice.


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