5w5d- How time passes

The life of an infertile in the first (and early second) trimester:

1. Immediately following a good beta or ultrasound:
Experience uncontrollable joy. Be filled with the urge to tell total strangers you’re expecting. Sleep eight straight hours a night. Daydream about names. Plan when to tell people. Make a mental to-do list of what needs to be done. Eye up baby things on sale.

2. Every day leading up to the halfway point between the good result and the next appointment:
Revel in being pregnant. Enjoy symptoms. Rub belly surreptitiously. Take extra care when walking on slippery paths. Feel confident. Everything is going swimmingly!

3. At the halfway point between the good result and the next appointment:
Except what if it is isn’t?

4. Every day between the halfway point and the day before the next appointment:
Experience uncontrollable swings of emotion: from elation to despair and back again on an hourly basis. Wake up in the wee hours and struggle to fall back asleep. Start to doubt your symptoms exist. Pinch bbs obsessively to see if they remain sore. Curse yourself for your arrogance. How could you revel in being pregnant? Surely that was a sign for the universe to smite your happiness? Haven’t you ever heard of hubris?

5. The day before the next appointment:
Freak out entirely. Recognize that the pregnancy must have ended. Start to prepare yourself for the bad news. Plan how to tell your partner if you’ll be at the appointment alone. Express relief that you haven’t yet told your parents. Regret telling as many people as you have.

6. The morning of the next appointment:
Cry. A lot. Send out pleas into the universe including to gods you don’t believe in. Feel sick with nerves and find yourself incapable of eating breakfast. Cry more because now you’re hangry. Practice keeping a stiff upper lip when you hear bad news.

7. The moments before the next appointment:
Try not to vomit. Shake. Make futile efforts to concentrate on reading material. Experience the worst nausea of the pregnancy thus far.

8. When the appointment is over and everything is, once again, fine:
Start again from the beginning. Repeat as needed until far enough along in the pregnancy that you can feel movement. Then begin to worry about whether or not you are feeling the baby often enough.

5 Comments

Filed under 2.0 Pregnancy, A matter of faith, Anxiety Overload, My addled brain

5 responses to “5w5d- How time passes

  1. Woohoo for being in a place to worry? This was me through both of my pregnancies, including 2nd and current. There was no ease in anxiety until my 20 week scan. Many sympathies.

  2. I felt the same. Except the confidence only lasted for about a day at first. Then two or three. Now (18 weeks) it finally lasts until about three days before the next appoitnment

  3. You said it, sister! Right there with you.

  4. Yep, yep and yep. Isn’t it interesting how the anxiety mounts right before an appointment? Every single time.

  5. Pingback: Week by week, the second time around | Res Cogitatae

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