First up, wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s been stopping by and leaving comments. It’s been a horrible week, but I get cheered up every time I check my email and see that someone’s posted. Some days it’s the only thing that really helps.
I am trying to try to move past the IVF failure. But I won’t lie: it is really hard. So much harder than any of the IUI cycles, even that first one where I was naive enough to assume it had worked. Maybe it’s because we KNEW for a couple of days at least I was pregnant. Maybe it’s because this cycle demanded such a higher toll: physically, emotionally, financially. Whatever it was, it’s been a real struggle to find my way back to balanced. And throwing myself into my doctoral work can only get me so far.
Case in point: last night Q. and I rented The Cur.ious Ca.se of Ben.jamin Butt.on (WARNING: SPOILERS). Admittedly, I have become a touch more sensitive to stories involving love and marriage since Q. and I got married. And yes, I now usually cry at any film where they show wedding vows, so I’m hardly a cool, emotionless viewer. (I’ve always been a big crier at movies, so this wasn’t a huge shift. I cried at three separate points the first time I saw the Lion King. Also, I was bawling my eyes out about five minutes into the first LOTR (but that was more because they’d actually realized on screen what had been in my head for years and I was just overcome by it all).)
But last night, while watching this film? Total meltdown. It started with the death in childbirth, gained strength with the announcement that someone could get pregnant at 43 (!!!!!) without any difficulties, and by the end, well, let’s just say my eyes were so puffy and swollen from my sobbing that I could barely see. Q., bless him, just gave me a cuddle and promised to grow old at the same time as me.
It was awful. I’m tearing up again just thinking about it. The loneliness was just heartbreaking.
(As we were on our way out of the video shop it occurred to me that the second Narnia must be out on DVD. Should have got that instead.)
So not really the relaxing evening we were planning.
Prince Caspian is good!
ICLW
Aww, so sorry you cried through the movie. I can’t bring myself to watch anything but comedies and action nowadays. And maybe Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth one). Not that the comedies are always safe (Baby Mama, Marley and Me, etc.), but I just can’t do sad…
Maybe try again this weekend with something a little lighter?
*hug* I know how that feels. I don’t remember which movie it was now, but there was one when we were in the midst of all our failures where I bawling from the sense of hopelessness and isolation.
(And yes, I did the same at LOTR too! I was completely overwhelmed.)
You’re not alone.
I know it doesn’t help you now – you are grieving, and rightfully so – but an IVF failure doesn’t mean it’ll never work. A FET, with your embryo quality, has a good chance of working. This time I think you just ended on the wrong side of the statistics. Which sucks.
I’ll stop being suzy sunshine. Just know I’m thinking about you.
xxx
T –
I have been thinking about you ever since I heard. I am so so sorry that your cycle didn’t work. There are really no other words that I can say. I’m really hoping the FET does instead.
I am thinking about you and sending you lots of hugs.
~~HUGS~~
N